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Wednesday, 2 May 2007

Fertility

Last night before I went to bed, I carefully applied my Fake Bake false tan. I wanted to wear a short skirt today, and ensure that James enjoyed the view from his jet lagged bed this morning as I was leaving with the children for school. I was (on reflection) rather heavy handed in my application, as I woke up more Shirley Bassey than Eva Longoria - oh dear! James is just back from Barbados, and I am substantially browner than he.

I looked stunning, tanned and willowy with my shiny new Links of London Sweetie bracelet on my arm. I insist on nice little trinkets as gifts when James goes on his corporate sporting jaunts without me. James objected as he handed it over - he bought it on the way out from Heathrow in the Duty Free shop as instructed:

"I will not have any money to retire on at the end of the year at this rate if you keep insisting on these little gifts".

He is a cheeky devil. If he must fuss so about spending a few pounds on a bracelet for me he certainly will not be retiring at Christmas. Before you know it, he would have us wearing woolly hats in the house in Winter, the heating turned off. I do not intend to live in squalor and deprivation simply because James longs to be retired by forty!

What kind of example will he be setting for the children? I care not for the goings on in the stock market, James will not have enough money to retire until he is 65, and then he can write a book or do some after dinner speaking or something...

I trotted into the school with the munchkins this morning, looking uber fabulous - just to let anyone with treachery on their minds see that I am a force to reckon with. My man has everything he wants at home already.

Straight from school drop off I went to see my consultant who told me the result of my recent battery of tests. Apparently I am ovulating three to four times each month!!! And to think, I simply thought I had gall stones. He seemed really shocked by this. Mr Papachristadoulou told me that I am "a hot little pot of oestrogen," the flirt!

I must admit I wasn't particularly surprised, six of my mothers sisters have twins, and one aunt has triplets. Indeed my cousin Julia who was married only two years ago, had a son nine months after her marriage, and triplets ten months after that! Four sons in ten months!

OHMYGOD!!!

If I was to have triplets now, we would have five children to put through school and James would have to work forever, indeed, three is a nice (if exhausting) number, but five? That is positively Vicky Pollard territory.

Mr Papachristadoulou said I am a top candidate for a multiple birth.

James says I have been in bad humour for the last six years since I was pregnant with Max, well if I became pregnant again - I would be apoplectic with rage for the rest of my days!

I immediately telephoned my darling husband and informed him that from now on I am dead to him in the bedroom department. He curtly replied that I have been dead to him in the bedroom since I conceived Max! Oh, he is so very funny, how we both laughed, and laughed and laughed...

If he touches me again, I shall break every bone in his body.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

The only time I've heard of fertility rates like that was in the Chalet School series where Jo churns out something like 11 kids in what seems like the same number of months. Anyway, with that rate of fertility, you should single-handedly be able to save the plummeting birth rate not only in the UK but in Europe as a whole. It is your destiny..........If James really plans to retire by Christmas, he's presumably making absolutely sure that triplets don't appear to spoil his carefully hatched plans....?

x Omega Mum

dulwichmum said...

My maternal grandmother had fourteen children and my paternal grandmother sixteen! I value my pelvic floor far to much to leave anything to chance. In the name of God dear Omega Mum, the very thought makes me feel like some kind of hamster!

mutterings and meanderings said...

Goodness me, all this talk of multiple births is making me cross my legs and feel quite nauseous ...

antarctichousehusband said...

Perhaps triplets would be a bit much ... though Prada does the most adorable three-way matching outfits - obviously catering to all those Fulham mums who got more from IVF than they bargained for.

Poor James ... all that tanned gorgeousness, and not a drop to drink. It's only fair that you start wearing Asda sweatpant-and-hoody twinsets - preferably made of parachute fabric.

dulwichmum said...

Sweet M&M,

It has put an end to my sex lift I can assure you. If I became pregnant this month, apparently I could carry quads!!!

Antarctichousehusband dear,

I never considered such radical action! No, there is no need to go to such extremes surely? I thought I would simply buy myself one of those electric 'dog stunners' - you know the ones that dish out electric shocks, and keep it by my bed for emergencies...

The Good Woman said...

A psychic once told my Mom that I'd have twins. Hasn't done my sex life much good and has instilled in me a deep commitment to contraception. To be sure, to be sure.

Actually, someone I know had triplets and insists that trips are better than twins. If you have twins there is a dubious assumption that you can cope whereas the thought of triplets sends the fear of God into all of us and assures the mother plenty of help and support - you'll never have to deal with more than one and a hlaf at a time. My advice - aim high!

debio said...

You will 'break every bone in his body'?
Not at all hormonal are we, dear Dulwich Mum?
Go on, cast (pre)caution to the wind - has he been away in Barbados, or what?

EmmaK said...

utterly confused here, you are doing fertility tests to see if you are fertile - and you are, very - but you don't want to get pregnant? if you do get pregnant with triplets just sell two to madonna and Angelina Jolie.

Nunhead Mum of One said...

Let's hope the school mummies don't get wind of you banning James access to your, erm, fallopian tubes dear one! Mac has always wanted lots and lots of cousins!

dulwichmum said...

Darling Good Woman,

I couldn't bear to have any more children - the ones I have are fine and dandy (if exhausting), I was simply hoping to be diagnosed with gall stones!

Dear Debio,

You are right - I am hormonal and hysterical! James can sleep with the au pair for all I care. My work here is done...

Emma K sweetie,

I most certainly am not having any form of fertility treatment! In the name of God, the children I have simply terrify me.

Dear Nunhead Mum of One,

I may put a notice up at the school and tell them to simply help themselves. I would loose the will to live if I was pregnant again.

I mean - you can't even drink anymore when pregnant, can you?

Babysteps said...

I like Emma K's idea -- you could be the celebrity baby-maker. I'm sure Angelina will be shopping for a new one soon.

If not, then cross your legs, dear one!

dulwichmum said...

Sweet Babysteps,

I could not bear to be a brood mare! My pelvic floor is my prized posession. I have had two TPTP caesareans already for that very reason.

James will just have to control his urges...

NumberOneScumMum said...

Good Grief, Dulwich Mum... frankly I find it nothing short of miraculous that after seven years of marriage and two little munchkins you and James are at it at all! Perhaps there is more of the Katie Price about you than we had first thought, you little minx.

Also, I would be very careful about mentioning your exemplary productivity to someone as entrepeneurial as the lovely Peter (sorry James). He might see the harvesting of your surplus as the way to his early retirement.