Moo

I know I will regret raising this issue, as I am no doubt destined to be wrong. I am prepared to be corrected for my insensitivity and lack of insight. Afterall, I have been wrong so many times in the past...

Before I was blessed with the munchkins, I considered those electric swing thingies to be a sign of completely lazy parenting. Why put a baby in an appliance to settle - when the poppet clearly prefers the motion in her mothers arms?

My darling Freya cried her eyes out for the first two years of her life. The tiny buttercup was accustomed to the sound of machines when she eventually came home from hospital - she had spent so many weeks in an incubator after all, and I doubt my womb had been that quiet to begin with. There was the sound of all of the Haagen Dazs ice cream sloshing about in my tummy for a start, then there were the endless nursery tunes and 'Monkey Music' tapes I had been playing to my fair haired boy Max.

Freya required noise (lots of it) and motion to fall asleep. I jiggled perfect Freya about for months, all night every night, and when eventually I could take no more, Brenda turned up one evening off the train from Bromley South with an enormous ugly electric swing (and a bottle of holy water). The unsightly contraption had loud music and a revolving mobile. Suddenly the storm had passed. I was wrong, I admit it. The person who invented this machine should be on the New Years Honours list.

I have concluded that one baby is an exhausting hobby, but two ... well that is a completely full-time job and a half. A mother should accept all the help she can get. The bouncer suspended from the doorway, battery operated revolving mobile, vibrating baby bouncer, rotating sit in play centre - every gimmick money can buy should be issued with the birth certificate.

I have noticed of late, advertisements in the local free mummy type magazines for 'nursing necklaces'. Please enlighten me? I enjoyed breastfeeding, it was wonderful, intimate and special. But accessorising for this most natural of functions seems to me to be wholly unnecessary. I have scoffed in the past at the thought of nipple creams, shells, pumps, enormous bra's with cups like sails, and ended up buying them all. But why would one need now to purchase a 'nursing necklace' in order to feed successfully? Surely you have your baby, you have your breasts, everything else is frippery?

Isn't a 'nursing necklace - the ideal way to occupy tiny hands' just a step too far? Isn't it just a hop and a skip away from hanging a bell around your neck while feeding and calling yourself a fresian? I think it has all the charm of a bovine cow bell...

NO, no, no.

Please correct me if I am wrong.

Sensory overload...

Recently the munchkins were invited to a party at St Barnabus church hall in the middle of the village. I love it when both of my poppets are invited to the same party. Sweet little Freya pines so if she is not invited to join her burly brother and his exuberant chums, and darling Max just loves all of Freya's super little chums with their fairy wings and Barbie dolls. My darlings so hate to be separated.

Lennon was celebrating his fifth birthday, it has been rather difficult for the little chums to stay in touch of late as they do not attend the same school. Lennon attends the super Village infants school, and is always busy every evening after school with Kumon Maths, Kumon English, piano lessons, swimming, rugby or yoga and so never free for a play date. Geoff and Dawn encourage darling Lennon to be a busy little bee.

When James and I collected our babies from the party they were really disappointed with the vegan treats on offer at the party, and subsequently with the booty from their party bags - no sugary treats at all. I was grateful that they saved their complaints for the car. I so hate to offend anyone. Dawn is a super conscientious mother, this mum never ever 'goes to Iceland' I can assure you. If it is not fresh, organic and delivered in a recyclable box to her door, Lennon does not get to eat it.

The munchkins received a cd each of 'sing the times tables' in their party bags. I laughed; "Super, one for the car, and one for the house, although four and five is perhaps a little young for these.". James immediately tossed one of them into the boot (the CD's not the poppets!). "Dulwichmum overdrive," he sneered. "These children should be allowed to have some fun. Why doesn't anyone give them a tape of Jackanory..."

Both munchkins began quarrelling over half a box of raisins they had found on the back seat, they had only been in Dawn and Geoff's presence for one and a half hours and already they were suffering from malnutrition. It was all beginning to go horribly wrong until I popped the new CD into the music system. 'Diddle dee dee' nursery tunes filled the car and immediately distracted the munchkins from their acts of violence and destruction. Soon the jolly singers began to recite the multiplication. The poppets were initially bobbing about merrily to the music and then went incredibly quiet almost immediately as the words to the songs began.

James started laughing out loud, "I am looking in the mirror he said, look in the back of the car," he insisted. The two darlings were sitting eyes glazed, having given up already trying to keep up with the calculations on their fingers, and then so overloaded, their little computer hard drives had crashed, and they fell asleep - well "passed out in a frenzied sensory overload" would probably be a more accurate description.

Oh how James and I laughed. This CD has been constantly played at home ever since. We are hooked, and the children hypnotised. Peace has returned to Alleyn Road! I really love my good friend Dawn, how very clever she is!