A perfect mother...

I really love my colourist Charley. She is a scream – knows the gossip on everyone, and has all of the integrity of a member of the Roman Catholic Clergy – none at all. Yesterday afternoon, I was telling Charley about my neighbours and their good for nothing son Christoph, who has taken a year out following his A levels and done nothing. He hasn't applied for a university place to begin this September - his 'year out' it seems, will evolve into a 'life out.'

“I despair,” I told her, “there is a fine line between indulging the munchkins, and smothering their incentive to achieve in life. I would sooo hate to be too kind!” - I genuinely fear that if the poppets are pushed too hard to achieve at primary and secondary school, they will be burned out and rebel completely by eighteen.

Charley agreed, and extolled the virtues of her 19 year old son, who is currently engaged in an accelerated one year course to become a qualified electrician – “He must get himself a trade,” she asserted, “he needs to make himself a living, otherwise how will he survive in life, how could he hope to provide for a family in the future?” she asked. I agreed whole heartedly with her, I was completely inspired by her motivational, practical style of parenting. “How does she do it?” I thought.

Just then Charley’s young Polish nanny burst through the door of the salon, with her daughter Lexy in tow, wearing head to toe Moschino junior. Lexy jumped about the salon, flitting from client to client, emptying the stylists tip cups into her pockets without sanction. Eventually when she had consumed a Fruit Shoot, a can of Coke and a packet of Jaffa Cakes she vomited down the front of her trendy T shirt.

Charley scooped up the tiny girl, undressed her immediately, tossed the soiled designer clothes IN THE BIN and showered the tot in a basin – she is such a capable mother. In an instant, out from under the expensive buggy, a new baby Armani outfit was produced and Lexy was dressed again and ready to go.

When I compare my darlings' wardrobe, I all but boil wash their new Boden tights and socks each winter prior to allowing the poppets to wear them for the first time. The bobbled, home spun, and vintage – hand me down look is terribly ‘now’ in Dulwich. My three single older sisters have all showered my darlings with Baby Armani, Moschino, Polo, Timberland etc, but I would not dare to allow the munchkins to be seen in such expensive fashions – they scream ‘new money’ and Alderley Edge. They are simply NOCD!

I would rather be pretentiously environmentally friendly old money, than unenvironmentally friendly new money. Wouldn't you?

As a mother (in my eyes) I am never good enough - but then neither is anyone else!