European Community

"When I am eight can I have a mobile phone please mummy? All of the boys at school have them... when they are eight. Just for emergencies. Pleeease mummy?"

"What sort of emergency can an eight year old boy possibly encounter?" I asked the tiny six year old man. "You are unlikely to need to call the RAC to help you with a broken down vehicle on the hard shoulder of the M1 now are you sweetie?" I laughed as I left him in the queue next to his perfect teacher (she really is a complete darling and Max has discussed marriage).

As I tottered off up the road towards the bus stop, I noticed two boys (too tiny to be teenage) from The Comprehensive School You Pay For greeting each other on the street with a kiss on each cheek. One boy presented the other with a large paper coffee cup and off they marched towards the school sipping their hot coffee (OHMYGOD!).

Damn the influence of the media on our young people, the outrageous oestrogenisation of the environment and our membership of the European Union. Our progeny are losing their innocence far too soon. I weep for the future of Dulwich.

Young lads such as these should be smoking and drinking Coca-Cola on their way to school like normal pre-teens.

Cold turkey

Oh how I love the number 3 bus. Every morning as it coasts through Brixton, I am exposed to all manner of opinion and chat. On Friday I overheard two women having the most hilarious conversation. They sit together every morning and look as though they could be mother and daughter;

"I wonder why people assume that poor Barbara Windsor's young husband (half her age) married her just for the money. No-one assumes she is having the time of her life with a younger man. No-one assumes she married him for sex.." said the younger woman (OHMYGOD).

"Well that's because at her age she is probably grateful for a full night's sleep - I get very giddy legs at night, I find it very hard to settle, and my pelvic floor is not what it was..." said the older lady (too much information!).

"When Michael Douglas married Catherine Zita Jones, people sniggered and said what fun he would have, and talked about his 'sex addiction.' I still have that Hello magazine you know, he is a dirty old man... He married that poor girl to prove that he still had lead in his pencil," said the first woman as she applied her mascara (she was priceless).

"Look at the poor man now, he is like a wax work dummy, having surgery every second week, just trying to keep up his young wife. Hoping not to look his age," she continued.

The older lady then joined in;

"She went out with that Blue Peter presenter with the video camera before Michael Douglas. The poor man is probably exhausted. He should have married me you know. I would have cured his sex addiction, I would have given him the full Amy Winehouse treatment, I would have forced him to go cold turkey. If he touched me I would have set my Doberman on him, randy old git..."

Charming!

I love living in South East London. The locals are so entertaining!