Foot in Mouth

This evening I arrived home from work to find that Parcel Force had delivered an enormous package containing darling Freya’s new school uniform from Peter Jones. How terribly exciting! My poppet tried on every last item and danced about the house filled with excitement at starting her new prestigious pre-prep school in September. Here I sit this evening, name tapes and sewing basket on my knee, stitching her name into everything the baby will need in September; tiny swimming costume, shorts, jogging bottoms, coat, shirts and pinafores. It is all so delightfully miniature (the smallest size they stock), but still so enormous on my darling baby girl.

As soon as perfect Freya realised how relieved and delighted James and I were that she was at last happy to go to this new school leaving her favourite nursery behind, her demeanour changed dramatically. She peeled off the uniform, screeched: “I am not going to Jallaps”, and marched off to play with her worm farm. Hey ho, (sigh).

I so love uniforms. At the beginning of the summer, we took the munchkins to the super East Dulwich Fair on Goose Green. Naturally I wore some super Gina sandals to show off my perfect pedicure. My heels sank into the turf as we plodded around the stalls and attractions, but it was worth the pains I took just to see my munchkins smile.

Perfect Max simply adores fire engines, and some super attractive fire men or fire operatives or whatever they call themselves were there to kiss babies and build relationships with the local community.

Would you like some more ice in that spritzer?

Each of the tinys stood in line and took a turn sitting in the driver's seat, wearing a helmet and generally pressing buttons on the dashboard. I thought my babies would explode with excitement. I engaged one of the taller, fuller figured Ray Winstone-esque fire fighters in conversation, oh what a complete delight, he had hands like as big as basket balls! I felt like a girl again. I looked simply amazing with my spray tan in the white jeans with the little slits at the ankle…

James sulked and queued up with the munchkins to hold the fire hose and spray some water. My poppets are such cheeky scamps. When they took their turn, sweet Freya pulled the big red lever right back (she has a will of steel despite her tiny frame) and soaked the waiting queue with water.

She really is divine.

Oh how we laughed. I made a flippant comment about “The great unwashed” and we almost had crowd control issue on our hands. I really am the silly Billy – always putting my foot in it!

It was starting to rain anyway, so I am sure no-one minded – not really...

Really?

Everyone makes mistakes. Look, I wore my sandals to an event on turf on a wet day!

Oh how I love a uniform!

Don’t you just love Gordon Brown? It really is most reassuring that we have a big serious man in a uniform in charge. He looks so very starched and uncomfortable in his suit. Don’t you think Gordon makes David Cameron look like Billy Elliott?