If I were Mayor(ess)

Why have firemen have stopped wearing their amazing dark blue uniforms? They were just stunning, so manly! What a lovely authoritative appropriate colour, and their lovely red braces. Whose idea was that dreadful rusty brown?

On the bus this evening at Piccadilly circus, we passed by a wonderful fire engine, and .... well, it just takes away from the whole 'saves the day' rush for me. Seeing those brave boys making a collective fashion faux pas is soul destroying. I am sure the change of uniform has something to do with Ken Livinstone. He should be ashamed of himself. First he implements the congestion charge, then he changes the fire men's uniforms, and now, he taxes our wonderful vehicles off the road. Soon there will be no fun at all left in London.

If I were mayor, I would have blue uniforms with shiny brass buttons issued immediately to all of the fire fighters. Police men would have those dreadful acrylic white shirts with the short sleeves confiscated. I would issue them with nice cuff-links sporting sweet little truncheon symbols. Further, every police man would have his own horse, and perhaps even an AK47 shotgun.

Anyone who looked even remotely dodgy in Brixton would be arrested and sent to live on Anglesey. Did you see that woman walking past Marks and Spencer in her Bikini this morning at 7.30?

MADAM, IT IS WINTER.

West Wales - that would encourage her to dress appropriately I can tell you. That is 'proper' cold - as they would say.....in Welsh. I have a genuine affection for Brixton, the Temple in the middle is a rather commanding piece of architecture, but what manner of business is going on in there? Eating and disco dancing in a crypt? I ask you?

No, arrest anyone dodgy (and I concede only those locals who have been diagnosed as clinically insane - approx 25 per cent?), and send in the property developers - it would rival Holland Park in six months. Swap Morley's for Fenwick, change the enormous Pizza Hut into a huge Cafe Rouge, close Iceland and open up a decent local Waitrose. They already have an M&S, a lido, and a wonderful cinema. Perhaps I should start a petition of some sort? If it is going to 'come up' the Carphone Warehouse simply has to close.