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Monday, 16 June 2008

Scary lady

My poppets are frightened to leave the house. All across Dulwich, enormous posters and banners are on display, advertising the fact that the Antiques Roadshow is coming to the Dulwich Picture Gallery on Thursday 19th June.

"It is that scary lady again, the one off the film about the 101 Datamatians," they cry.

"She is coming to Dulwich, it says on the poster."

"No, no, darlings. She is simply a TV presenter who has taken her Restylane habit too far," I soothe. Her image should serve as another warning to all of the ladies of Dulwich.

Did I mention that my newly threaded eyebrows are simply fabulous. I may just totter along to meet Ms Bruce in order to pass on my tip!


girl with the mask said...

Yes, she does look rather demonic, doesn't she? But rather demonic than saggy, as I am sure your mother would agree.

Frog in the Field said...

OHMYGOD!! She does look really scary. I may have nightmares and need counselling now, you can be so cruel sometimes DM! said...

threaded eyebrows are simply the best, aren't they? none of that plucking nonsense so that you take half your forehead with you when you yank tweezers outwards. i can no longer indulge, in the threading, so far am i from anything thready. but once, when in semi-civilisation, i used get them done in a fabulously scruffy little indian salon. i sat and listened to all the other clients bustle in and out, all asian ladies, all describing their beauty secrets/husbands/diets/shopping trips to mumbai in a glorious hotchpotched vernacular of english and gujerati. sometimes they brought their spoils from recent shopping forays into the salon and spilled vibrant saris acoss the floor in huge sequinned puddles. marvellous which i sat staring through tears and talcum powder.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Ah Ms Bruce, the Dominatrix of BBC news. I'd be careful what you say to her - she'll probably have a whip with her.

rilly super said...

oh dear, yes, I'm afraid I always think of her Jan Ravens 'Dead Ringers' counterpart whenever she comes on the telly and I completely forget what she was talking about, but then I forget what most people are talking about. I avoid antiques roadshow for fear of being older than some of the exhibits rather than Fiona's pythagorus proving eyebrows, sigh

Nunhead Mum of One said...

Looking at that photo you can almost hear her saying "come here my lovelies!!!!"

Mac was also traumatised by the advertising and has advised me, on hearing me explaining what it was all about, that he doesn't want "to go there mummy".

Teena said...

Are you sure it's not just the latest, very subtle, Banksy graffiti? Surely no-one in production approved those eyebrows?! I have never plucked for fear of exactly that result! But no-one out here cares if I pluck or not so I am happily un-plucked in Norfolk - bet the turkeys wish they could say the same!

Potty Mummy said...

I would say that you probably shouldn't tangle with Fiona - in that photo at least, she looks like she might be a bit useful in a fight, and may not take kindly to beauty advice...

dulwichmum said...

Sweet Girl with the mask,

OHMYGOD! You used the "S" word, I am getting one of my heads..

Perfect Frog,

I apologise profusely, let me fill up your glass.

Welcome Reluctantmemsahib,

Myself and my super chum Vashi are intending to relocate to Mumbai for the duration of the Olympic games (sport is so damn tiresome). I may visit you, it sounds so incredibly glam in India!

Dear Menopausaloldbag,

I have a few tricks up my sleeve myself! You should see my dog stunner.

God Rilly Darling,

You drink spirits don't you sweetie? Here have a bottle and a straw.

Lovely Nunheadmumofone,

I may consider litigating agains the BBC, how dare they polute our perfect environment.

Teena darling you are too kind,

God only knows what is going on in that woman's mind, but I have been assured that they actually grow on her face (someone overshared and told me what also grows on her chin, but I feel that they overshared)!

Darling Potty Mummy,

I am so very glad to have such a street wise chum as you. I should imagine that Fiona is capable of punching my lights out (rushes off to hide behind kitchen island...)

aims said...

Thankfully I don't have a clue who this creature is - but those eyebrows! My God! Do they stop somewhere?

And here was silly me thinking that eyebrows like that take a long time to grow when I could have visited the doc for a shot all along (not that I want those eyebrows mind you)! Whew! I need to lie down now.

valley girl said...

Dulwichmum, you could complain to the Advertising Standards Authority - perhaps it shouldn't be a poster but a post-watershed TV ad so as not to scare the kiddies? (perhaps that is why FB reads the 9pm news and not earlier?)

Expatmum said...

I'm surprised someone hasn't "beamed her up" if you'll pardon the expression!

Kelly said...

I confess that now I am emerging fro my post-birth bubble and looking in the mirror, I realise that I am in dire need of some 'titivating' as my nan would call it. First stop thread street- don't want to scare little children, least of all mine. Can you recommend someone??

Elsie Button said...

her eyebrows do seems to go off in a weird direction, and have no respect with where her eyes are placed

Sass E-mum said...

I wonder what happens to her brows when she concentrates or gets cross.

Do they go vertical?

We should be told.

Would you please show a photo of your threaded brows? I've got a thing for very tidy eyebrows - but it's not kinky or anything. Honest.

dulwichmum said...

Darling Aims,

Clearly you are protected from such horrors abroad. I am consoled.

Sweet Valley Girl,

Perhaps I should summon the gendarmes?

Lovely Expatmum,

My friends have noted her dancing about the village this week, and apparently her legs go all the way up to her arm pits. I believe that the public should be protected.

Nice Kelly,

I insist that you go to see Mel at Jo Partridge on Croxted Road, Dulwich. That woman has sorted out all of my problems. She really is an angel!

Dear Elsie,

Is it just me, or does she need sedation?

Perfect Sass e-mum,

I am afraid that I am anonymous. Imagine a far superior version of Elizabeth Hurley (that woman actually eats carbs!).

Anonymous said...

Hehehehe. Most amusing...and nightmareish.

Hey did you know that Fiona Bruce is, according to the Top Gear team, the epitomy of style and cars are measured for coolness by whether they would be one Fiona would approve?