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Thursday, 12 June 2008


My mother, Brenda, has been so very down of late, she says that she is feeling old:

"Your grandma was younger than me when she died, and your grandpa too," she sighs. "These old bones of mine will not hold out for much longer..."

"Oh mother! Grandpa tried to drink the Guinness Brewery dry when he worked there."

"He worked hard all his life and caught the yellow jaundice and died young," she laments. "None of our family ever live to see old age."

"Alcoholic Liver disease is not a viral infection mother, and Grandma Margaret had fourteen children. She died because she fell of a ladder trying to attach a television aerial to the roof. It was nothing to do with her age. You will live forever mother..." I console, while making her a nice cup of Barry's tea.

"People care more for their pets these days, than they do for their old relatives," she sobs. "They even spend money on research, inventing special dog food to give their mutts more bounce. All they invent for old folk is Tena Lady and HRT. Life is so unfair..."

"Hang on,"
wiping her eyes, she stops suddenly and picks up a copy of the au pair's Now magazine. "What supplements do you suppose that Lulu and Jane Asher take? I am sure we are the same age and they look grand."

"Botox and Rystalene are not supplements mother" I soothe, pouring some Hennessy into her tea. "Alcohol is far more effective darling. It works on every muscle in your body, not just your face."


girl with the mask said...

Unfortunately for Brenda it also relaxes the old tummy muscles, too...

aims said...

My aunt has been dying since she hit 70. Always lamenting that she will never see another birthday party - especially the ones her daughter never gives her. She's turning 90 this year. She'll probably hit 100 - maybe the lamenting is what keeps them going.


Potty Mummy said...

Of course alcohol is rather cheaper and more readily available than the drugs as well. And it goes without saying that although one may look old(er), after a nice glass or two of white rioja, one cares rather less.

Gosh, am I giving away my trade secrets?

dulwichmum said...

Sweet Girl with the mask,

Just so long as it doesn't relax her pelvic floor...(gasp!)

Darling Aims,

I know what you mean, I shall watch her closely. She loves a little sympathy.

Oh Potty Mummy darling,

Can I offer you a top up? We are birds of a feather!

zoe said...

I'm glad to read that I'm doing something right in my life-style. Alcohol is pretty good at making you forget the embarrassing moments of the night before as well.

dulwichmum said...

Darling Zoe,

Let me pop an ice cube in that for you?


menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

My miserable and catankerous mother in law frequently bangs on about how old she is and how she can no longer take care to herself - I've seen her sprint away from her walking stick if she sees a fiver lying in the road - and she insists that she will be coming to live with me and her son. She doesn't seem to register the phrase 'hell will freeze over first' on any level. Consequently I often buy her copious amounts of brandy as when she is sozzled, memories of her past life come flooding back, leaving her no brain space to worry about getting older and who's life she is going to make a misery of by moving in with them. Sorted.

Rob Clack said...

I agree about the alcohol, and of course, the white rioja is delish, but I'm still searching for a real favourite. Is it the rich elegance of the Pouilly Fruissé, or the less subtle exuberance of the Tourraine sauvignon blanc? Sigh, such a hard choice.

Rob Clack said...

Oops! I mean Pouilly Fuissé, of course!

dulwichmum said...

Sweet Monopausaloldbag,

You poor love! We suffer the same predicament.

Oh Rob darling,

Chablis is a personal favourite. It is a commonly known fact that pickling is a form of preservation (hic)...

Expatmum said...

I never understand why older people start listing all the people they know who died at a younger age (if you get my drift.) If I start out-living people, and can still get around without a Zimmer, I will feel rather triumphant I'm sure.

dulwichmum said...

OHMYGOD! Dear Expatmum,

I must tell you more about Brenda and her obsession with death...

valley girl said...

I have a formidable grandmother-in-law, who is 98. She hardly eats, but has at least 1 large glass of Scotch every day. A good example to follow, I feel.

Frog in the Field said...

My dear DM, Brenda really is a drama queen.
Darling your new cakes look tasty, can I pop round for afternoon tea?
Ooh...come over to mine, just thought, I have cupcake bags, very Dulwich Mum.

Teena said...

My great aunt was a pub pianist and lived well into her 90's. She didn't marry until she was well into her 60's (he only lasted a year - something to do with getting squashed by the wardrobe) and she drank at least half a pint of Guinness a day. Since I've already blown the late marriage thing, and I hate Guinness, I'm hoping Benedictine liqueur and copious amounts of cake will keep me going instead! Worth a try methinks. t.x

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Jules Viernes said...

and i hope with the hennessy she stopped worrying about getting old? nothing like a nice cup of tea to dilute our worries to mere irritations. works for me.

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