Confidence

I am really rather emotional this evening. I want to share something. No, really I must be honest. I am genuinely being sincere this evening. This is me.

Other bloggers out there, please tell me, is this the norm?

I received an email last night on the train home (via my Blackberry) from a professional representing a West End department store. She invited me to a prestigious cocktail bar today at lunch time and she then proceeded to ply me with alcohol of the bubbly variety...(OHMYGOD, I wish I had an agent... this is like Babes in the wood!).

I was so flattered that she clearly read my blog, she even knew which tipple I can't resist! I was showered with gifts of prestigious beauty products (each costing in excess of £150 per pot, over a thousand pounds worth of products in total!!!) - and I was offered cash to blog in return!.

Does she not know who my husband is? If I profess to a love of Decleor - it is because it is genuine. I don't need cash you see. Well I do actually, but I have a supply right under my nose... If I enjoy using a particular product and I happen to mention it - it is incidental, IT IS NOT PRODUCT PLACEMENT.

I would like the world to know, I have the skin of a sixteen year old, and I owe it all to a terrific gene pool, a good diet, Eve Lom and Decleor!

They can try to turn my head, to mention another product lines if they like, but they had better be extremely confident about their efficacy before they hand them over to me to sample...

You see, if I consider the product they provide me with to be rubbish - I will most certainly say so.

I am sure that this is happening to lots of bloggers right now, please girls, lets compare experiences?

Cut Backs...

My darling man is feeling dreadfully flat. There he sits in his study, his head in his hands - the world of private equity is clearly in an awful state... Or could it simply be that he partied a little too hard at the firm's Christmas party last night?

The evening began on a somber note, the top man's (prrr) speech warned of leaner times, of cut backs, disappointing bonusettes and caution in all regards. The world's financial markets are bracing themselves... (apparently), he then proceeded to launch an orgy of excess the like of which is seldom seen in a democratic country.

I can handle this brand of frugal!

A selection of enormous marquees had been erected in the grounds of The Imperial War Museum which were liberally dusted with real snow for the evening, ice sculptures, a ski slope, ice skating rink, rodeo reindeer, Christmas tree Hoopla,snow boarding simulator, Toyland with Giant Skalextric and casino. All night the Champagne flowed, Kylie Minogue is as thin as a tooth pick and her face is taught and mask like!!! OHMYGOD - could that possibly be Botox?

My feet are killing me today, but you know - I never take things to extremes, not really... Poor James!

Drain

Myself and Vashi (my most super and special chum) and have been agonising about what we should include in our lists for Santa. We both have everything we could ever possibly need (obviously). Indeed, it would be necessary for me to have an extra digit surgically grafted onto my hand in order to accommodate any further diamond encrusted rings. Anne Boleyn was considered a great beauty of her era, and an extra digit never held her back... well not really.

No, no, no, there is such a fine line between looking tastefully loaded and appearing to be a blingtastic moll. I would like to consider myself an up-market version of the late Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis - God forbid that I should end up looking like Victoria Beckham (gasp)!

What should a girl request from Santa this year? This conundrum has been absorbing so much of our emotional energy of late - it really has been such a drain. I have been pondering over one suggestion that darling Vashi has made. She has suggested that we request a course of colonic hydrotherapy treatments.

Apparently an average adult has up to fifteen pounds of "putrefying matter" clinging to the inside of their colon (charming!). One single cleansing irrigation treatment can leave a girl almost a stone lighter, brim full of energy, skin flushed, eyes neon sparkly bright and a renewed ability to absorb all manner of vitalising vitamins, minerals and nutrients! Doesn't it sound terribly exciting? Princess Diana was apparently staunch advocate of the practice of (according to Vashi).

However, I must admit that I am slightly uncomfortable about the actual...er execution of this er... procedure. The thought of it just doesn't 'sit' well with me at all, I so hate for anyone to have anything to do with my gynaecological regions (unless they have provided me with expensive jewelery ...clearly, and even then...) I have had two planned Caesarean sections you know, I am terribly modest. The various web sites use words such as "sphincter", "rectal exam" and "expulsion of gas pockets"...eugh!

One testimonial I came across on the Internet, claimed that a woman who had been a vegetarian for twenty years was assisted to expel half a pork sausage and three chicken nuggets at her first treatment! God only knows what they could find inside me! It really is rather fascinating to consider - perhaps that set of keys I lost from my Volkswagon Golf in 1990, a pram wheel or a 1970's ornamental Spanish donkey? Could my insides really be as congested as an old drain?

Perhaps the sludge which is clinging to my insides extols some protective properties, saving me from the absorption of dangerous toxins, germs and viruses - even OHMYGOD calories!!! Can you imagine how frightful it would be if my bowels began to absorb calories more efficiently??? I could lose a couple of pounds initially and then go on to gain stones. I could end up catching all manner of colds and flu or even become ethanolic at the mere aroma of my favourite tipple? What a frightful thought!

Oh no, colonic lavage is not for me. I shall have some new trinkets instead - the addition of an extra new digit sounds far less invasive...

Oh happy day!

Darling James has been rather perplexed of late. All is not well in Private Equity land... It seems that my super husband's plans to retire by Christmas must be put to one side for the time being. (Hurrah! How can he possibly feel assured that he has earned enough to retire on? Has he no idea how much I could spend before I die?)

He has been insisting that we must live more frugally and even confiscated my prestigious credit card!!! James was rather alarmed by my expenditure during our recent shopping trip to New York - but it was my birthday, what did he expect?

James is such a wise and clever husband... he likes to believe.

He would not like to leave me without a contingency fund however, just for emergencies you understand. He is aware that I hate to carry cash.

James has issued me with a dreadfully embarrassing Glasgow Rangers Football Club credit card! Can you believe it? He doesn't know a thing about football - that vile blue card would even offend my Roman Catholic mother, and she would be happy to use most forms of credit! James knows that I love to use my Black American Express card, he is aware of the cachet if provides for me, I just love to produce it and regard the expression on peoples faces. James is hoping to shame me out of shopping.

My poor deluded man...

Don't panic dear friends... I have discovered this web site! Has he no comprehension of the pleasures to be experienced while shopping on the Internet? I am not even required to leave my desk house. This directory has provided me with the inspiration to completely re-vamp my knicker drawer this very afternoon - don't you just love natural fibres? I was not forced to show my shameful new credit card to a single soul! Indeed, I have spent so much time and money on the Sheer Luxe web site over the last 72 hours, that the lovely editor has offered me a column!

If God had intended that women should provide for themselves, he would never have invented marriage! I know just how to soothe darling James when he sees the bill.