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Wednesday, 28 November 2007

Drain

Myself and Vashi (my most super and special chum) and have been agonising about what we should include in our lists for Santa. We both have everything we could ever possibly need (obviously). Indeed, it would be necessary for me to have an extra digit surgically grafted onto my hand in order to accommodate any further diamond encrusted rings. Anne Boleyn was considered a great beauty of her era, and an extra digit never held her back... well not really.

No, no, no, there is such a fine line between looking tastefully loaded and appearing to be a blingtastic moll. I would like to consider myself an up-market version of the late Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis - God forbid that I should end up looking like Victoria Beckham (gasp)!

What should a girl request from Santa this year? This conundrum has been absorbing so much of our emotional energy of late - it really has been such a drain. I have been pondering over one suggestion that darling Vashi has made. She has suggested that we request a course of colonic hydrotherapy treatments.

Apparently an average adult has up to fifteen pounds of "putrefying matter" clinging to the inside of their colon (charming!). One single cleansing irrigation treatment can leave a girl almost a stone lighter, brim full of energy, skin flushed, eyes neon sparkly bright and a renewed ability to absorb all manner of vitalising vitamins, minerals and nutrients! Doesn't it sound terribly exciting? Princess Diana was apparently staunch advocate of the practice of (according to Vashi).

However, I must admit that I am slightly uncomfortable about the actual...er execution of this er... procedure. The thought of it just doesn't 'sit' well with me at all, I so hate for anyone to have anything to do with my gynaecological regions (unless they have provided me with expensive jewelery ...clearly, and even then...) I have had two planned Caesarean sections you know, I am terribly modest. The various web sites use words such as "sphincter", "rectal exam" and "expulsion of gas pockets"...eugh!

One testimonial I came across on the Internet, claimed that a woman who had been a vegetarian for twenty years was assisted to expel half a pork sausage and three chicken nuggets at her first treatment! God only knows what they could find inside me! It really is rather fascinating to consider - perhaps that set of keys I lost from my Volkswagon Golf in 1990, a pram wheel or a 1970's ornamental Spanish donkey? Could my insides really be as congested as an old drain?

Perhaps the sludge which is clinging to my insides extols some protective properties, saving me from the absorption of dangerous toxins, germs and viruses - even OHMYGOD calories!!! Can you imagine how frightful it would be if my bowels began to absorb calories more efficiently??? I could lose a couple of pounds initially and then go on to gain stones. I could end up catching all manner of colds and flu or even become ethanolic at the mere aroma of my favourite tipple? What a frightful thought!

Oh no, colonic lavage is not for me. I shall have some new trinkets instead - the addition of an extra new digit sounds far less invasive...

13 comments:

Potty Mummy said...

I tend to agree with you on this one DM - especially since I heard somewhere that at some places they use clear plastic tubing to show you (yes, that's SHOW you) what is coming out as a result. Ghastly indeed. It rather puts threading on a shop floor into perspective, don't you think?

dulwichmum said...

Oh Potty Mummy I so agree! Where is the grace and the charm in life? I also read that it could clear the mind... I should imagine that it would, but is that really a benefit? I have so very little to think about as it is!

Hayley said...

I dread to think what they'd find inside me. Oh the thought of going through that. Think I'd better stuff some more cakes down to get over it!

dulwichmum said...

Perfect Hayley,

Perhaps the cake will "flush" anything else through(so to speak)?

The Travel Architect said...

Great read this morning. Now while it would be nice to have another trinket under the Christmas tree, I must allay your fears with regards colonic hydrotherapy.
I visited a 5 star spa in Malta in April this year with a group of journalists for a 5 day detox break. I checked out the spa menu before I left and had this treatment in the back of my mind. As I love any kind of treatment would it be money spent wisely and would I feel the benefits ? I'm such a scaredy cat would I go through with it?
I never mentioned to my husband before I left , but did to 2 different friends. Both were midwives, One said " oh I'm not too sure about that" but the other Sonya,owner of "The Baby Gurus" said "go for it"
So I booked it and headed down on the Sunday morning feeling very apprehensive. As I could do with losing some weight I wanted to see great, instant results but without going into explicit details it was slow to begin with and I was told I had a healthy colon. After some more stomach massage things started happening. I was fascinated by it all.
I felt brilliant after the treatment and as I had been detoxing for a few days the difference phsically and mentally was thereto see - weight loss,glowing face and bright eyes.
You've just reminded me that I should have it done again so I must research a local salon and head there in January.
So ,hope Santa is good to you and go and have the treatment in the New Year.

Fiona

Suzanne Ashley said...

I have never had the courage to do this, although I'd love bright eyes, gleaming hair and weight loss (sounds like a well-groomed thoroughbred). However, my friend goes regularly to a beauty clinic in Clapham (www.southlondonnaturalhealthcentre.com). Needless to say she is stunning, always looks the picture of health and has a fantastic figure. Perhaps I should bite the bullet and get on with it? If colonic irrigation can undo the damage caused by a (very) healthy appetite and unfortunate gene pool...?

dulwichmum said...

Darling Fiona,

I feel now that I selected my platinum and diamond Jazz double drop earings yesterday at Tiffany in Sloane Square in haste! I shall reconsider the "treatment" as an extra stocking filler (eugh... now I have a really strange picture in my head).

Oh darling Suzanne dear friend,

Thanks for the tip, I shall phone them straight away for a bruchure! I shall be bright eyed and busy (...er) tailed for the new year! If you have any suggestions for me with regard to how I could go about cleaning up my gene pool I would be most appreciative!

debio said...

I consider colonic irrigation one step too far - especially involving the use of transparent tubes.

Still recovering from a visit to the osteopath where I was informed that the excruciating pain I was suffering was due to a build up of gas - yes, GAS - in my joints. Having been lain upon, twisted and manipulated to the tune of various gaseous explosions, I feel that's enough for the time....

Omega Mum said...

I'd just ask for that extra finger. Think how incredibly useful it would be, not just for ring storage, but for pointing, gesturing, holding extra teeny tiny packages - and if you decide you don't want one, can I have it? Jolly useful for a music teacher, after all.

DJ Kirkby said...

You are too funny!

dulwichmum said...

Poor darling Debio,

You are so right. I shall have some Tiffany earrings for Christmas - a colourse of colonics would be a s*** present!

Darling Omega Mum,

Perhaps you could have the procedure first and let me know how you get on?

Perfect DJ Kirkby,

But you know I am being serious!

rilly super said...

darling, the latest craze is environmentally friendly colonic irrigation which involves basically getting down on all fours whilst a special adaptor is attached to the tap on the rainwater barrel - they don't call those things water butts for nothing it seems, sigh

dulwichmum said...

Darling Rilly,

You have been up north for far too long. This type of farm yard behaviour would never go on in Dulwich dear heart.