Out of context...

Words cannot express the horror I experienced on Friday last, when I read The South London Press. It is not a paper that myself or James ever read, obviously. I have been lying down in a darkened room for most of the remaining weekend as a result. Yes I have a hangover from the great day out that we had yesterday at The Grand National, but I am also suffering from delayed shock and psychological trauma.

Our cleaner Liliana brought the paper to the house on Friday evening, having noticed a quote attributed to me, and I am still not clear whether or not this was an act of loyalty. The offending article was about ‘dogging’ (it gives me palpitations just typing the word) and described how this perverse activity has tarnished the tree lined avenues of SE21! Can you believe it?

The evil journalist included (without my permission – damn this ‘cutting and pasting’) a quote from me on the subject, I feel nauseated admitting this. I had been chatting on the East Dulwich Forum, as I do very occasionally, when someone happened to mention this perverse and disgraceful local happening.

In an effort to lighten the conversation and to avoid any resulting local plummeting property values (it was SE21 they were discussing specifically), I commented in jest that those who indulge in this disgraceful act should have their children removed by social services and they themselves be boiled in oil.

Well, obviously I was speaking (typing) tongue in cheek... clearly! I would never advocate seriously that anyone should be "boiled in oil". The paper quoted me as though I was completely in earnest! The quote was used out of context, and made me sound like some kind of Daily Mail reading busy body!

Can you believe it? A comment from moi, on this subject, in that newspaper? Pass the smelling salts...

Obviously these people should not be allowed to raise children, and their poor mites should be removed to a place of safety, but I doubt that any of these ‘doggers’ could actually be parents. Who has the energy for a sex life with young children afterall?

These people should simply be compelled to endure some type of degrading community service, perhaps cleaning the toilets of local parks while wearing unflattering orange boiler suits and Crocs plastic shoes in primary colours. Their images could be displayed prominently with the nature of their offence printed in large letters on posters, in a name and shame manner.

I am sure that if these people were actually from this area, The Dulwich Estates could intervene and perhaps drive them from the locality. They are clearly NOCD! They should go and live in Mitcham, indeed, Brixton is too good for them.

It is in times like these that I am glad to live on The Dulwich Estates. They have a draconian rule in place covering every eventuality, you should see how they sanctioned a grumpy old neighbour of ours who recently removed a mature chestnut tree without their permission.

Mr Miles never has a smile for me or my babies. He had sought and received the necessary permission from Southwark Council to remove a tree that was undermining the foundations of his house, but forgot to seek a license from The Dulwich Estates. He has this weekend been forced to replace the original tree with a Horse Chestnut of a similar age and size, virtually the same price as an average family car (not ours – obviously). Soon his house will collapse into rubble no doubt, as a result of daring to disrespect the scheme of management.

The Dulwich Estates really are my kind of people! I wonder if I can contact them by email?