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Friday, 14 September 2007

Confrontation

I am so glad that the weekend is finally here. I am quite simply exhausted.

In the middle of the night on Wednesday I was sure I heard an intruder in our house, and as my darling man was snoring his head off beside me – I decided not to rouse him for fear of the consequences… I straightened up my La Perla silk night dress, donned the matching pure silk dressing gown, brushed my hair (added just a touch of lip gloss) and flounced cautiously down the back stairs.

Light was streaming from the fridge door and someone was rummaging noisily within it! Indeed, the cheeky scamp was actually warming a pizza in my oven!!! My heart almost stopped, and I immediately darted for the cover afforded by the minimalist Poggenpohl kitchen island (with poured concrete surface). OHMYGOD!!!

I thought to myself – “I must take action, I must protect my munchkins and darling man from evil hungry intruders.” I grabbed a lengthy French stick which was poking out of the bread bin and sprang out to attack the intruder – screeching aggressively as I vaulted. I was making short work of this frightful criminal too (with not a jot of concern for my own personal safety I should add), when my darling husband pulled me from the bulky intruder.

It was actually Ana, our au pair! Ramadan has begun, and so the poor child was trying to have her first meal of the day by 4.00 am, she cannot let a single nutritious morsel or sip of fluid pass her lips until 7.30 pm each evening! I so wish that she had simply warned me. I almost strangled her with a French stick!

You know there really is nothing I would not do to protect my young family...

I really love Pizza Express ready to cook Pizza, so I took it to bed with me, and told Ana not to worry about cleaning up the remnants of the French bread until the morning, but on second thoughts I was far too lenient. The fragments of crust get simply everywhere…

14 comments:

EmmaK said...

You are very brave, tackling the problem head on, but I doubt you could actually have done much damage to an intruder with a french stick unless it was very stale;)

Omega Mum said...

Next time, wake James up and dress him in those little grey shorts. Any intruder would die laughing. (PS - not trying to hurt his feelings, mind).

DJ Kirkby said...

You are so thoughtful...taking the pizza away to bed to eat it. Wouldn't do to tempt her to overeat in an attempt to hoarde calories against the days fast. her thighs will thank you!

dulwichmum said...

Dear Emma K,

I had the French Stick in a ligature around her neck! I really am a force to be reckoned with!

Lovely Omega Mum,

Indeed! He looks quite a picture in those shorts...

Perfect DJ Kirkby,

I really am a wonderful and super thoughtful employer you know!

debio said...

I am so conforted that you were suitably attired to greet your intruder - but does not pizza in bed play hell with La Perla and pressed cotton sheets?

Frog in the Field said...

Well DM, you really do hide your light under many bushels indeed.
An Author, Mother, perfect wife, excellent e-hostess and now culinary martial arts expert.
You're very brave.
You know the scene you describe reminds me a Chief Inspector Cleuso and Kato! (Dun't yeu knew!)

dulwichmum said...

Sweet Debio,

You know I only took the pizza because I could (Shhh). I tossed it out the window for a fox!

Perfect Frog,

Here, let me freshen up that drink for you!

lady macleod said...

Proper attire for attacking an intruder? Do they have that in Vogue? The lip gloss was the touch I loved. You are my kind of girl.

I am awakened here by the chap (who I really want to kill) going under my window bangind a f***ing drum at 0330 hours to wake everyone for breakfast. The only think I would wake for at three a.m. requires a handsome male person!

mutterings and meanderings said...

Fantastic!You don't let the side down even in times of extreme stress.

Marianne said...

You are such a heroine - and perfectly groomed too. Ready for anything armed with your french stick!

rilly super said...

dulwichmum dear, if ever you should need a bit of extra cash I know that some men would pay good money to be beaten with a french stick by a woman in expensive nightwear. Please however don't ask me how I know this

Potty Mummy said...

'Flounced cautiously...'? Surely not, Dulwich Mum. I imagined you flouncing bravely / determinedly / aggressively / excitedly / outragedly down those stairs. But 'cautiously'? I doubt it - no woman looking as well put together in the middle of the night(lip gloss and all) would need to be cautious.
Sadly, I probably wouldn't need the french stick to scare them - just my bed-head hair.

Rebecca said...

'flouncing cautiously' is an ART indeed.

Motheratlarge said...

What a trouper you are, Dulwich Mum. It'd be a brave burglar who'd mess with you.