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Monday, 10 September 2007

Manicure

I found my PA Lydia in the kitchen at work this afternoon scrubbing my cup before coffee break. “No, no, no” – I scolded. “You should never have do that... Your hands and nails should never be used as tools. Get some money from petty cash and go buy yourself some Marigolds and a dish mop.”

This evening after work I took Lydia to The House of Fraser for a manicure. I try to be a good role model and general super big sister to her, and used a favoured phrase of my mother's “You reap what you sew” sweetie, when Lydia appeared shocked by the price of our treatments. It was my treat, so I paid (clearly), and I was keen to point out that if a girl ensures she appears top quality, she will attract a top quality husband...

Lydia has been describing to me the horrors of her dreadfully ineligible young man. Any chap who refers to a lady’s lingerie as her “under crackers” and drinks beer straight from a can, is simply NOCD (not our class darling) and certainly not marriage material. “Dump him,” I insisted…

We were sitting next to each other in the middle of the sales floor (these nail bars really are dreadfully open and exposed) fingers and toes submerged in bubbles, occasionally sipping grande latte from paper Starbucks cups when I noticed to our left two enormous black leather arm chairs. You know the type of chair that reclines and the foot rest comes out (dreadful ugly things). Women were actually queuing up for “threading”(a super thorough plucking type of depilation – usually for eyebrows). It is simply all the rage…

Words cannot express the horror I experienced when I realised one of these customers actually having the whiskers on her chin removed in the middle of this open shop floor!!! The young girl carrying out the treatment was virtually perched on the customer’s chest without so much as a screen to spare the customer’s blushes!

I am sooo not joking when I tell you that I almost hyperventilated with horror. An open shop floor in an Oxford Street department store really is not the time or the place! What is going on? Had the customer lost her mind?

Which is more humiliating do you suppose, actually realising you are growing a beard, or having it removed in a public place for all the world to see? I grabbed my latte and my PA and left the House of Fraser before the said customer could present her bikini line for depilation – what has happened to our culture? Where is the refinement and beauty?

Well, I can safely say, I shall cling on to the remnants of civilisation right here in perfect Dulwich…

12 comments:

Omega Mum said...

Personally speaking, I simply opt for a trim. You'd be amazed how a small but perfectly formed goatee adds to my gravitas as a music teacher.

dulwichmum said...

Darling Omega Mum,

In the name of God, please tell me you are joking? I shall pay for your laser treatment myself!

Frog in the Field said...

Dear Dm, tell me you'd had a very hard day and were hallucianting, hallucinating even? Are you sure that was latte in your cup?
I cannot, CANNOT, believe anyone would sit there having whiskers removed from their chin??
I always look at these comfy chairs in John Lewis and wonder how anyone could even have a pedicure in public.
You really must be in terrible shock after seeing such a ghastly thing, I suggest a cruise immediately to recover.
And can you imagine having to do that for a living?
I shall have nightmares about this.

Potty Mummy said...

I'm with you on this one DM - 'de-forestation' should be carried out in private only. And in the dark would be preferable if at all possible (and didn't end up lopsided). BTW - I assume Omega Mum WAS referring to her chin?

Clara said...

Come come DM what do you expect if you frequent Oxford Street. I'm sure there would nothingly so unseemly allowed in Harvey Nicks. I thinking getting the cab to drop you outside Selfridges is the most one should contemplate. Yes I know there are essentials to be had from John Lewis but that's why god invented au pairs and Peter Jones.

dulwichmum said...

Perfect Frog,

I am not joking. I shall never shop in Oxford Street again.

Lovely Potty Mummy,

It really was a complete disgrace!

Oh Clara darling,

I am full of regret. Indeed you are right, there is no need to shop there when Peter Jones is just a hop and a skip away. In future I shall stick to Bond Street or Sloane Square!

debio said...

Is there no end to the imperfections which some will flaunt in public? I have yet to come to terms with flagrant exposure of the flabby stomach. This is so horrifying I admire your ability to be witty about it.

Fresh from a massage at the most relaxing Spa in the world my husband asked whether I felt 'good' and I replied, 'oh yes, it was sooo private!' And that was today, coincidentally.

dulwichmum said...

Sweet Debio,

It sounds like you had a super fantastic day! I love Nails Inc and their permanent nail polish - it seems as though I must find another branch, perhaps one that does massage.

DM

Stay at home dad said...

In the name of ... someone, will you tell me that you have made all this horror up.

On second thoughts maybe I should get my chin plucked by that young lady ...

Elsie Button said...

DM, i loved the fact you 'grabbed your latte and your PA...' What a wonderful boss you are!

dulwichmum said...

Dear Sweet Stay at home dad,

I wish I was! It was dreadful. I really am incapable of lying you know...

Perfect Elsie darling,

Well, good help is so hard to find!

DM

mutterings and meanderings said...

Goodness me! What was she - soem kind of exhibitionist??