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Monday, 1 October 2007

Twaddle...

Parenting is so frightfully stressful...

Just when I have safely negotiated the munchkins into the right schools, ensured that they have completed the correct programme of vaccination, stimulation, diet and exercise, are consuming the appropriate Omega 3 supplements and diligently adhere to an appropriate bath/bed-time regime, it appears that I have been slack ... nay, complacent in one crucial area!

From an article in a recent free magazine (the kind that appears with regularity in the children's school bags) it has come to my attention that I am now to be held responsible with regard to whether my children will grow up good looking! I thought that we could take their good looks for granted as my poppets can draw from a wonderful gene pool (I have a shapely ankle and high cheek bones, and their father a commanding jaw and broad shoulders).

"People with attractive faces consistently achieve more in life, not only because of the way they are perceived by others, but also because of the way that they perceive themselves," says the article.

Fair enough really... but apparently we can not take things for granted... Horror of horrors - the publication in Freya's school bag has brought to my attention that pretty young children can develop "flat cheeks, large noses and receding chins - causing them to look less attractive and damaging their self esteem." If their jaws grow forwards they can look attractive - but God forbid they grown downwards - resulting in them looking plain!!!

Surely whether this happens is in the lap of the Gods?

Why no!

The article insists that parents should be vigilant for signs of weak jaw muscles, thumb sucking or children allowing their mouths to hang open - "be gentle but firm" - with the children it insists... Lots of warning photos of unattractive tots are used to back up the argument (who in their right mind volunteered photos of their poppets for this article?) Apparently jaw surgery and tooth extraction may be required to rectify any damage resulting from maternal complacency!

Clearly, I have been far too slap dash in my approach to parenting, pulling fingers from their noses, discouraging them from picking their teeth, sucking their hair or slouching... Apparently "flat unattractive cheeks" can be caused if a child sucks their teeth - they can even end up with "droopy eye lids"...

"Stop sucking your teeth" I should shriek - "or you will grow up ugly..."

Seek advice and support soon, or your children are doomed! OHMYGOD!!! There are not enough hours in the day... I must hand in my notice at work this very day.

14 comments:

Frog in the Field said...

I take it I'm not the only one who has ceased advertising with them, thus having to fill the pages with 'Twaddle', you're too polite DM.
Thank goodness your impeccable etiquette prevents you from using the foul language it so deserves.

Potty Mummy said...

Good grief, DM. As if we don't have enough to worry about, scheduling swimming lessons, playdates, outside time, mandarin lessons (OK, joking about that one - although some of Boy #1's classmates mothers are not), we now have to find time for the kid's facial exercises. Or they might end up looking like... like... Andrew Lloyd-Webber (cue collective gasp at PM's audacity in actually naming someone).

debio said...

Ye Gods....!

So our little darlings will grow up ugly because of our bad child rearing skills rather than because they just look like that?

Damned if you do and damned if you don't, seems to me.

I do so hope pouting contributes towards beauty - if so, my daughter will be irresistible by the age of 18. Maybe teenage drama and angst is nature's way of developing beauty.

She is, however, such a lucky little thing to have such a beautiful mother to have given her a head start - or maybe I was/am good at pouting too?

dulwichmum said...

Darling Frog,

I am glad to see you are as incensed as I!

Perfect Potty Mummy,

You said it! (Or Bruce Forsyth even!!!)

Sweet Debio,

My baby girl pouts just like me! Hurrah the day is saved! It is clearly the facial exercise of choice - I have been pouting all my life!

Rebecca said...

oh no - my kids still suck their thumbs they're gonna grow up slck jawed, droopy eyed and ugly like me.

um... shouldn't 'neigh' be 'nay'? or were you going for some ironic horsiness......

DJ Kirkby said...

Lol, I would love to see a copy of that resignation letter, esp. the bit where you cite your reason for leaving!

gaelikaa said...

I have the most aspect disrespect for anything that tries to put me on a guilt trip especially when it is nothing but a ploy to sell something! File that xyzx magazine in the bin, Dulwichmum! Try to relax. It's just a case of the 'hidden persuaders' trying to make a fast buck out of a guilt-ridden working mum!

dulwichmum said...

Darling Rebecca!

OHMYGOD - I am an air head!

Sweet DJ Kirkby,

I have been playing with it all afternoon - have you any suggestions for my wording?

Dear Gaelikaa,

As if it were not difficult enough!

lady macleod said...

I do believe this goes right up there with, "If you make that face, it can get stuck that way." Perhaps posting photographs of handsome and lovely people over their beds so that they can emulate the proper jaw position?

The nanny is going to need an assistant! Unattractive children, one does shudder at the thought...

Elsie Button said...

DM, i just do not know what to say in response to this. speechless. You do rock though!

IngeniousRose said...

Good lord! Dulwichmum I too am speechless. Thankfully my own child has so much to say for herself these days that she is not likely to develop weak jaw muscles, but having read your post I will ensure she starts eating lots of apples and raw carrots to keep her facial muscles healthy. In fact toffee apples would be perfect if the school will let her include them in her lunchbox!

Omega Mum said...

OMG. So what happens when it's your husband who has the cheekbones and ankles, and you get the commanding presence and broad shoulders. (And who gets to wear the shorts?)

Casdok said...

Yes isnt parentling stressfull!!!

@themill said...

I'd rather hoped you were joking here DM, but I fear not. My lot are doomed.