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Wednesday, 9 April 2008

A matter of taste...

My poor distressed work colleague today insisted that I accompanied her to lunch in order that she could share her tale of woe. Apparently the honeymoon between she and her darling husband is over.

"Theodore is a tad quirky in the bedroom," she sobbed, "as all men no doubt are..." I didn't like to admit, I haven't actually had this experience myself. I am so incredibly naive and so very easily shocked, but in an effort to spare my colleague's blushes I endeavoured to appear as though I had heard it all before. Helena has only hinted at her husband's "tastes" in the past, but when she has, I have been left puzzled for weeks...

Apparently, Theodore's latest "quirk" has involved smearing himself in Swarfega, donning a pair of blue swimming goggles and making love to his wife on a linoleum floor!!!

OHMYGOD - I thought I would inhale my own vomit!

"Oh darling Helena, he has gone too far. How do you endure this degradation? Leave him immediately, the man is a beast," I cried.

I couldn't bear to allow man made floor coverings in my home.


Pig in the Kitchen said...

wow, that is completely out there...and swarfega? That's industrial hand cleaner, if that gets in the wrong place it could be very nasty...not to mention it being green.
oooo, am i first?!

dulwichmum said...

Darling Pig,

Isn't the man outragous! The entire situation is nasty, although at least they would not sustain carpet burns....

Maddy said...

Ooo my I haven't heard of Swarfega in years, but that's an entirely new use to me. I wonder if the manufacturers know?

dulwichmum said...

Oh Maddy dear heart,

Am I the only one traumatised at the thought of lovemaking sans mattress? It just isn't me. He could wear my frillies and call himself Susan, but don't expect me to get down on the floor!

Potty Mummy said...

DM - am I the only one wondering how Pig knows it's green? (And am with you regarding the floor... can't imagine how many trips to the chiropractor it would take to sort the results of that one out...)

Frog in the Field said...

I'm choking from laughing so much.
What ARE you all on?
wear your frillies and call himself Susan?
I'll laugh myself stupid over this one, excellent.
ps. Darling Husband uses Swarfega to get all the oil and diesel off his hands after major breakdowns with his agricultural smells hideous! God! What a turn off!

HA!! HA!!

aims said...

Did she happen to mention what brand of linoleum they are enduring??

dulwichmum said...

Darling Aims,

I am so relieved that you see my point, and no, she did not!

zoe said...

I'm afraid it's the blue swimming goggles that upset me. Pink, yes, but BLUE! It's not even fashionable.

dulwichmum said...

Darling Zoe,

I must direct Theodore over to your blog for some top level fashion advice!

Frog in the Field said...


dulwichmum said...

Perfect Frog in the field,

You really are a constant support and encouragement (and you egg me on so!).

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