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Thursday, 10 April 2008

*Publishing News*

As many of you are aware, I have been busy crafting my novel "Sex Lies & Sellotape, confessions of a Dulwichmum," which was due to be published this month by The Friday Project. So many of you have emailed me over the last three weeks enquiring about the publication date - I must admit that I am really rather embarrassed... Following the advice of a selection of super high powered, high profile agents - I was persuaded to break my contract with the publisher back at the beginning of February. The publisher has subsequently gone into liquidation (OHMYGOD!).

I feel a little uncomfortable about the whole affair, super writers who were under contract to this tiny publisher are owed royalties and many have had their hopes and dreams shattered. I cannot accept responsibility for the hardship caused by this business failing. I was wrong to have ever signed their generous contract, it was indeed scandalously generous, but sadly not to me (sigh). I should have smelled a rat when I met the portly ginger haired publisher with her Max Pax tea and office above a kebab shop. No-one refers to me as a cash cow and gets away with it!

I really must consider my position; fair royalties, a column in The Mail/contract with Penguin/serialisation with The Mail on Sunday & The Times/screen rights with Time Warner are apparently what I should expect. I have been told that a novel like mine comes along just once in every generation, this book is reminiscent of Gone with the Wind, a fusion of Bridget Jones's Diary and Sons and Lovers (but with substantially more sex).

My novel is a simple tale of sex, rags to riches, designer handbags, sex (our succession of au pairs have been insatiable), infidelity and hypocrisy, more sex (those boys from the College need a firm hand), love and hope and yet more sex (some of which is not even in a committed relationship but that part is clearly about the neighbours) in middle class south east London. It is an epic story of triumph over school gate treachery and an evil post menopausal adversary (my monster-in-law). My manuscript is a great roller coaster of a book in 110,000 words with exotic locations (Dulwich Picture Gallery, Padstow, Barbados, Disneyland Paris) and many designer costume changes.

Naturally I am now a little concerned that we will not actually find another publishing home for my work (gasp). But my celebrity agent will not compromise; Daniel Craig is to play James, and I naturally would love to play myself (prrr) although I am prepared to agree to Orla Brady. I do sooo hope that I haven't shot myself in the foot with my demands (yellow M&M's, Jo Malone scented candles, no eye contact, a tray of mojitos, white walls and carpet). It is after all, just the simple story of my domestic arrangements which is perhaps best kept secret right here on my blog...


zoe said...

Good god woman, what did they think that they were playing at? Losing an upper-class laydee such as yourself who can not only write, but be amusing, even, at the same time?

I am shocked that your book will never come out but I so look forward to your future books - J.K. Rowling - look out; The Friday Project missed out.

I, myself, am looking out - for your future novels.

dulwichmum said...

Perfect Zoe,

Obviously I do not write this bloglet myself, I dictate it to my PA and then it is circulated to a panel of full-time comics I employ for fine tuning! God I am so very rich indeed... (sigh)

Thank you for your encouragement. You don't know of anyone who actually has a sex life who would be prepared to help me with the sex scenes (preferably no rubber wear or swimming goggles).

Bea x

zoe said...

Have you thought of our David? As in Becks? As long as he doesn't talk his body is something to be admired - like a Greek god.

Not quite our class, but he does come with gifts of jewelrey that can only be found in Belgium.

Believe me.

dulwichmum said...

Sweet Zoe,

Do you know I hadn't considered asking him! I had simply concluded that he bats for the other side...

NumberOneScumMum said...

All will be well, darling dm. Have you thought of the luminous Cate Blanchett? I always think of you, at least when you are relieved of some of the enormous pressure you must be constantly under due to your hugely successful career and over achieving children, as slightly translucent and wafty. And if anyone even mentions that Winslett heffer - JUST WALK AWAY

dulwichmum said...

Lovely NumberOneScumMum,

I must admit that I think of Cate Blanchett as slightly "Prisoner Cell Block H," and as you know, I am graceful and feminine (sigh).

Frog in the Field said...

Oh DM, how wise you are!
Thank goodness you weren't dragged into some seedy battle over (gasp) money!

dulwichmum said...

Dearest Frog in the field,

I know, isn't wrangling over money frightfully seedy? I do not want it for me (why no!) it is for my er... (in the words of Heather Mills-McCartney) charities!

DJ Kirkby said...

Good luck! I hope that celebrity agent of yours takes good care of you! Let me know when you have a new publication date.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Oh sweetie, how awful for you. Thank heavens you weren't involved in the whole scandal though. Well, not that one anyway.

dulwichmum said...

Sweet DJ,

I am grateful for your support (sniff).

Lovely Jo,

I cannot tell you how delighted I am to have distanced myself from this publishers company. As my window cleaner would say "they didn't know their arse from their elbow."

Rosie said...

Oh Dulwich Mum you're becoming a Diva with your demands for yellow M&M's, this is great! Sorry to hear about the situation re publishers. Very shocking. Do remember us when you hit the big time with a much better contract and a flash Hollywood agent. (Email me privately and I may give you details of mine!)