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Sunday, 27 April 2008

Meme

Vanessa of The Fidra Blog has tagged me to carry out a meme. I can never normally complete challenges such as this but I have undertaken a number of creative exercises of late, at the insistence of my celebrity agent. I have been instructed to stretch myself out of my comfort zone...

Vanessa's meme requires me to;

1. Pick up the nearest book.
2. Open to page 123
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag people, and acknowledge who tagged you.

Please do not judge me due to the indelicate nature of my current reading material. Apparently I must include lots of sex in the manuscript for my book - it has been suggested that I spice it up in the manner of blockbusters by Judith Krantz and Jilly Cooper, of roller coasters such as Scruples, Riders and Sons and lovers. OHMYGOD!!!

I am a lady and a mother and the subject of sex does not come naturally to me, I am so very modest after all. I live in Dulwich where everyone is married and no-one ever has sex - not ever. I am under instruction that in order to increase my commercial appeal I must open my mind and include lots and lots of detail! I have concluded that I shall simply describe the sexual athletics of my au pairs as I do not want anyone to get the wrong impression of the ladies of Dulwich. Our chased reputation is of paramount importance to me after all.

I recently accepted delivery of a copy of The Dirty Bits for girls, edited by India Knight. This is a compendium of "the dog eared pages of our youth" - not my youth darling India - after all I was a member of The Legion of Mary! This extract was originally from Fanny Hill by John Cleland (1749). Brace yourselves;

"Her legs were perfectly well shaped and her thighs, which she kept pretty close, shewed so white, so round, so substantial and abounding in firm flesh, that nothing could offer a stronger recommendation to the luxury of the touch, which he accordingly did not fail to indulge in himself. Then gently removing her hand, which in the first emotion of natural modesty, she had carried thither, he gave us rather a glimpse than a view of that ..." (gasp!!!)

No I am sorry, not even for Vanessa... no, I cannot bear to continue. This book contains far too much information. I am a pre-menopausal lady, and I have not yet eaten my supper. I must email my agent immediately, we simply never carry on like this in Dulwich, it simply would never do.

I would like to tag my chums Potty Mummy, Frog in the Field, Pig in the kitchen, Nunhead Mum of One, Zoe, Aims and Drunk Mummy - because I love you!

16 comments:

zoe said...

How did I guess that you'd tag me? Your taste in books is filthy, my dear, so I'm rather nervous as to follow this out as, well, I may out-do you.

I'm sure page 123 is very pure. Like myself, in fact.

Potty Mummy said...

Oh blast, DM. Luckily, as I'm in our tiny office the only books to-hand belong to my beloved, so my appalling taste in chick-lit will remain unexposed for a little longer...

BTW - I can't believe I never bothered to read Fanny Hill whilst I was at uni. I clearly missed out and will be off to Waterstones later...

Frog in the Field said...

Thanks a bunch!
Raunchy reading DM, steady girl!

dulwichmum said...

Oh Zoe dahling,

I am on the stool of repentance, I shall never ever read another naughty parchment as long as I live.

Sweet Potty Mummy,

I am relieved that you never read Fanny Hill. You are hereby an honorary Dulwichmum!

Oh Froglet!

I am scandalised...

Expatmum said...

Was that a "chased" reputation or a "chaste" one?

dulwichmum said...

Sweet Expatmum,

Oh dear, did you spot my faux pas?

Drunk Mummy said...

Ooooh – I shouldn’t be doing this, I’m supposed to have given up. Still, a quickie won’t do any harm, I suppose - as any of Jilly Cooper’s heroines will tell you.
My nearest book says:
‘We don’t run to a ‘char’ yet so I do the dusting and Hoovering every morning as another sop to my conscience. Even though I’d cleaned all outside surfaces, my fingers were black by lunchtime and so were everyone else’s. The grime got into every drawer and cupboard.’
Could this be about the aftermath of another basement excavation in the mansions of Dulwich? Perhaps the highly stressful outcome of a spacious loft conversion? Actually it’s a description of the Great Fog of London in 1952 in Jenna Bailey’s excellent ‘Can Any Mother Help Me?’ which is a must-read for any woman blogger.
I’m sure the only fog in Dulwich these days is formed from the dangerous combination of 4WD exhaust fumes mixed with clouds of Jo Malone fragrance – there are dense patches of it outside all the school gates.

Sparx said...

OOer DM. Frog has tagged me and so I had to read back to see what you'd posted. I don't know what I'd do if someone told me to sex up something I'd written. Die of embarrassment I suspect - good for you for making the effort. Have a nice drink to calm your nerves dear.

dulwichmum said...

Darling Drunk Mummy!

OHMYGOD!!! Could this mean that you are writing again? I feel like such a lucky girl to have encouraged you to put your perfectly manicured fingers back on the keyboard!

Sweet Spark,

I know, and I am so very easily embarassed indeed - why I am blushing as I type!

Milkmaid said...

Tagging bhah I don't have enough berludy time to be bothered with it. Too busy on the brain training game - aged 40 today - not bad really

Frog in the Field said...

I've done it, come over for a glass of something and see.

dulwichmum said...

Darling Milkmaid,

I can't seem to get below 72 and I yet I have the skin of a 14 year old!

Perfect Frog!

I will be right there - make mine a cold one...

Nunhead Mum of One said...

I love you too..........and I've done it. You're very lucky actually, my hand hovered for seconds over my dog eared copy of Jackie Collins' The Bitch but then I thought no, we've had enough smut for one post.....

dulwichmum said...

Darling NMoO,

But I explained, I am forcing myself to read smut - it is because I am trying to improve myself! I can't wait - I am coming straight over!

Sass E-mum said...

Faux pas? Surely more of a freudian slip of the tongue. Could it be that the chased ladies of Dulwich get caught and sadly are chaste no longer?

Pig in the Kitchen said...

sweet DM, I have also complied! You bring Drunk Mummy back from the dead, and you've dragged me away from my recipes!

Big respec'

Pigx