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Saturday, 5 January 2008

Baby?

I have never been so humiliated in my entire life...

I shall try to explain exactly what happened to bring me to this conclusion, it will not be easy...

This year, my mother Brenda accompanied us for our annual Christmas holiday jaunt to my mother-in-law's house in Wales. Brenda hates the fact that I have a mixed marriage, as although James and I are both Christians - my darling man is not a Roman Catholic (the shame). However, rather than endure a Christmas day alone, Brenda promised to bite her tongue and opted to spend Christmas with "The Protestants"

En route sure le M4, we decided to visit the motorway services at Swindon as the munchkins needed to powder their sweet noses. James and I deposited my mother in the Costa Coffee, and took a poppet each to the lavatory. Max came with me (he really is a darling boy) and so, we we had returned to my mothers side within minutes, our hands damp from the dreadful hand drying (ha!) machines.

Mother was by now deep in conversation with a new chum (picture June Whitfield in a velour tracksuit)...

"This is my son's baby Jago," said the woman, sharing the image on her digital camera with Brenda...

"What a sweet little black face," replied my mother (OHMYGOD!!!), James start the car (I thought)...

"Isn't he very muscular for just five years of age," continued my mother (as my stomach turned and I wanted to strangle her with her own tongue)...

"Oh yes, but it is just how they are, you know it is in their genes," replied the woman with the sellotaped glasses and the greasy hair...

"Is this the bitch?" continued my mother (perusing another image).

"Shame on you mother, you are the most outrageous racist I have ever met in my entire life, I have a good mind to abandon you here in dreadful Swindon."

Would you believe to my shame that they were in fact looking at photographs of a Rotweiler dog? I have been on the stool of repentance wearing a pointed hat emblazoned with the word "dunce" for the whole of Christmas...

12 comments:

Potty Mummy said...

It's easily done, DM. And I'm sure that the hat was a Philip Treacy in any case...

dulwichmum said...

Oh darling Potty Mummy,

You are a sweetie, it is so difficult having Brenda for a mother - I always end up in the wrong.

DJ Kirkby said...

Dyson have invented a hand drier that sucks the water off your hands. I kid you not! I had the oppourtunity to try it out recently and it is a marvel...though the noise terrifeid N3S so much he refused to stay in the same room, so it didn't work for him!

Nunhead Mum of One said...

Have got an unpleasant vision of June Whitfield in a tracksuit....

Frog in the Field said...

DM, excellent!
I can just imagine your horror. I could never leave Shirl in Costa Coffee alone, I'd make her sit in the tailgate of the Volvo with a bowl of water.

aims said...

My mother and I took a trip to Florida once. Somewhere in the deep south we were sitting in a restaurant and I was watching a beautiful African-American with her daughter being ignored by the waiters.

My mother in a very loud 'whisper' turned to me and said - "I once had a little black dolly when I was young. And it was cute like that little girl."

I could have died.

dulwichmum said...

Darling DJ Kirkby,

Those hand dryers are the invention of the devil. They are fit for nothing.

Oh sweet Nunhead Mum of One,

Indeed, she was a vision!

Lovely Frog,

Shirl and Brenda sound like peas in a pod!

Dear Sweet Aims,

Our mothers are outragous. I cannot bear to live my tinies in her care!

Kathy said...

aah, so that was your Mum - she should have introduced us.

IngeniousRose said...

Darling Dulwich Mum, I would find it very disconcerting if I heard my mother using the words "the bitch" in any context!
PS My 4 year old got us out of going to Roman Catholic mass on Christmas day by shouting and screaming "I AM NOT NOT NOT GOING TO CHURCH EVER EVER EVER!" I have trained her well.

@themill said...

Thank you for asking after my welfare sweetest Dull-Itch. Strangely, life seems to have got in the way of blogging recently, but back to the fray now. Happy New Year and when's the book launch?
BTW - couldn't you just have dried your hands on Brenda's trackie bottoms?

Beth said...

Poor you!!

dulwichmum said...

Dear Kathy,

If only she had dear heart!

Perfect Ingenious,

I must admit that I never, ever heard her say this word before... ever!

Sweet @themill,

I don't imagine that Windsmoor even manufacture such garments - it most certainly was not my my mother wearing the tracksuit... She is a twinset and pearls girl!

Oh Beth dear,

I knew you would understand.