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Thursday, 17 January 2008

Babysitter

James brought his colleague home for a quick drink last night (ginger beer) en route from Gatwick following their business jaunt to Dallas. Martin has recently remarried, indeed, I met his new Japanese wife recently at their work's Christmas party (I was busy having a pedicure when they got married). Martin is aware that I am not happy about his new younger wife...

"Isabella and I were sooo over" he bellowed in a German accent. "Our relationship was finished the same day she conceived the twins. She let herself go, she breastfed like a fresian and lolloped about the house like a great hippopotamus..."

OHMYGOD! I almost inhaled my own vomit.

"They say couples grow to look like each other over time" I spat, glaring at his gut.

"I am well aware that you do not like Mayu, but don't pout so, it doesn't suit you. Are you afraid that James will trade you in for a younger model liebling?" he gloated.

The plank went on to describe how he "babysits" for his boys "at least once a week" to give "the old girl a break."

How dare he?

How positively frightful!

The beast (with a capital F).

"I wasn't aware that a father could babysit his own sons... I thought that was called parenting OLD MAN," I repelled.

How disgracefully cold! How dare he consider himself to be a parent with such distance placed between him and his perfect sons. I shall send Martin's ex-wife Isabella a 'Friends request' on Facebook toute suite. Our boys are scheduled to start at boarding school together just next year.

You know I think I shall investigate the benefits of colonic irrigation further...

14 comments:

Potty Mummy said...

2nd wives - and their husbands. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR....

Omega Mum said...

Never waste time inhaling your own vomit when you could be exhaling it all over him. And I'm sure there's something that could be done with colonic irrigation by products, too.

Sparx said...

One can only hope that the new one leaves him for being an old hippo at some point... let's hope karma's listening in to this one!

Macker said...

"the day she conceived the twins". She sounds a talented lass to do that all on her own.

Pig in the Kitchen said...

ha ha ha! inhaling your own vomit made me laugh. He sounds revolting and with a skin as thick as an elephant's hide. Hopefully his new wife will drive him to Hari Kari.
Pigx

Frog in the Field said...

Excellent points Ladies.
DM indeed, he is a beast with a capital F, T and B. (I'm sure you're far too refined to understand my foul language, but I'm sure Potty, Pig and Omega Mum will know).
Now, is this the female you perfectly insulted at the Christmas company 'Do'?
Perhaps the good lady is better off without such an Oaf, I don't suppose wife number 2 is at all interested in his income?

aims said...

OMG! You really cracked me up with this one!

I'm getting the impression that you don't really care for this man or his 2nd wife...but that could just be a mistake on my part....

Potty Mummy said...

Frog - what CAN you mean?

debio said...

His first wife is well shot of this one - what an arsehole! I would just say, however, that every father I've ever met has viewed looking after the children as 'babysitting' - except my wonderful man, of course, who would spend every waking hour with my daughterif he could...

DJ Kirkby said...

'the beast! (with a capital F)' hahhahaahahahaaaaa! You are sooo funny.

mutterings and meanderings said...

What an obnoxious beast with a capital F...

Pig in the Kitchen said...

Yes Frog, what on earth DO you mean? I'm sure I don't understand such profane initials...

Beth said...

There is nothing more irritating than a father referring to babysitting his own kids!!!

dulwichmum said...

Oh Potty Mummy,

I cannot abide second wives if they are younger and prettier than me...

Darling Omega Mum - you are a scream!

Welcome dear Sparx - I agree whole heartedly!

Exactly my point dear Macker!

Perfect Piggie, she drives me mad so he is sure to follow.

Lovely Frog,

That one has dollar signs in her eyes.

Aims! You know me so well - surely we are sisters?

Indeed dear Potty Mummy, I knew you would have no idea!

Dear Debio,

You have one of a kind there. Welcome home dear friend.

Darling DJ Kirkby,

Thank you for your kind words.

Lovely M&M,

I am so glad you called by. I am glad that we understand eachother so well!

Perfect Piglet,

How did you know the initials were profane?

Perfect Beth,

This is so very true.