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Tuesday, 1 January 2008

New Year new beginning...

My mother has been scolding me at length - lets just say that I have put on a few pounds over the last few months...

"Walk fast and far" is her mantra. She was an air hostess for Aer Lingus in the 1960's and has kept her perfect figure to this day. According to my mother, there is never any good reason for her girls not to make the most of the gifts that God has bestowed upon us (in a tasteful way you understand...).

"You must lose weight," she insists, "or that big Protestant of a husband you have married will be off with his secretary...".

OHMYGOD!!!

My self esteem at an all time low.

"But mother," I plead, "there are plenty of large confident, attractive (dare I say "sexy" in front of Brenda???) women out there."

"Not in my family. They are just deluded fatty bums" she scolds. "Pull yourself together girl, you are starting to look like the Michelin man, it is the Atkins diet for you..."

You know it is all very well and good for Brenda - giving me a bottle of Jo Malone perfume for Christmas, when what I really needed was a tape worm (grrr).

16 comments:

Nunhead Mum of One said...

Tape worm is such an unattractive thing to have though dear one.....have you tried Paul McKenna's I Can Make You Thin? I promise it won't have you standing on one leg and humming "Yellow Submarine" every time someone says the word "lemon" like the last time we went to a hypnotist.....

dulwichmum said...

Ha! You are a scream. Happy New Year dear heart.

rilly super said...

as deluded fatty bums go DM, you're one of the best

happy new year darling!

dulwichmum said...

Oh Rilly!

I am so glad to see you here. Can I offer you a glass of something with that olive?

aims said...

You cracked me up girl!!

My Mom died 4 years ago - and yet she still talks to me everyday -

I can hear her right now - 'You should be cleaning instead of loafing around - dirty girl'...

Perhaps an exercise video with the cat??

dulwichmum said...

Sweet Aims,

Indeed, mothers are the only ones who can say these things to us and get away with it - perhaps...

An exercise with the cat! OHMYGOD - I would love that. What a hoot!

lady macleod said...

Time for the champagne and gym regime. One goes to the gym and works out until standing is difficult; so one sits and has a glass of champagne for stamina. Food is optional.

...always glad to be of assistance.

DJ Kirkby said...

'deluded fatty bums'....hahahahahahahaaaaa! Golden quote! *slinks off to diet group*

Frog in the Field said...

Tell Brenda she's a vain old bat!You look WONDERFUL Darling (hic!)

Potty Mummy said...

'Deluded fatty bums...' Are you SURE our mothers weren't separated at birth? (She doesn't say it but she sure as hell thinks it...)

dulwichmum said...

Oh Lady MacLeod,

You even manage to make dieting glamorous! (...hick).

Perfect DJ Kirkby,

Just like you, I have decided to be physically perfect in time for the summer!

Lovely Frog,

You always say the right thing. Should we really be drinking this out of pint glasses?

Sweet Potty Mummy,

We are martyrs to our mothers are we not?

Elsie Button said...

if anyone can be honest with you it's your mother - i have found. why do they have to be so bloody brutal though? and why do they have such a hang up about weight? i bet you are thinner than she is!

Frog in the Field said...

Pint glasses? What's wrong with the botthle?

dulwichmum said...

Indeed lovely Elsie,

Why do they have to be so damn brutal (hic)?

Darling Frog,

I just thought that a glass would make it easier to add ice, but it is fine with me if we drink it straight from the fridge! Can I offer you an olive?

Regina said...

Sometimes we lovely daughters have to learn the hard way which kind of conversations we will NEVER ever have with our own daugthers. So get yourself your daughter and have some wonderful cookies togehter ;-)

Pig in the Kitchen said...

Wow, your Mother is feisty...actually i wish someone would metaphorically slap me around the face and tell me to lose weight. none of this softly softly, 'drink lots of water' rubbish, i need to be told off!
Happy New Year to you!
Pigx