NOCD

I hate that acronym. My mother-in-law uses it regularly. Actually, Grandma Elizabeth (she hates it when I call her that) uses this expression mostly when talking about, or more recently to me. It means 'not our class darling' - and she uses it because clearly, I require instruction on how to conduct myself.

When Max was just a baby, James insisted I traded in my Volkswagen Golf, and bought me a new BMW X5. It was the delight of my life for approximately 3 weeks, until a new series commenced on TV - Footballers Wives. One of the most outrageous wives, Tania drove an identical model to my new vehicle. Grandma Elizabeth came to visit and used her special catch phrase/acronym; 'That new car - it is simply NOCD', and the car was immediately confined to the garage. I was deeply offended, and could not even bring myself to touch it again to remove the baby seat.

What really upset me was the patronising way Grandma Elizabeth took pleasure in pointing out what she believed to be my mistake. She clearly decided that the car had been 'my' choice. She could not justifiably refer to the model of car as 'common' - because they certainly were not common five years ago. It smacked of 'new money' she said, and 'plenty of it, just not the correct impression to give the neighbours'.

Then there was my lovely mint green Smeg chic fridge. I loved that fridge (prior to the installation of my current minimalist type Poggenpohl kitchen). I loved the whole retro Cath Kidston thing, and the colour was so twee! Divine.

Sharon from Eastenders returned to Albert Square (again - yes another soap) and installed an identical fridge in her new MFI kitchen in The Vic. I had nightmares about the comments I could expect from Grandma Elizabeth, and I began to experiment with Pritt stick and aluminium foil - in an effort to obscure the similarities between my fridge and the one on TV.

In the end, the fridge was replaced - along with the kitchen, as I almost had a panic attack every time Grandma Elizabeth decided to visit. She really doesn't approve of me at all you know.

Recently our au pair Ana has pointed out the fact that the Battersby family from Coronation Street (I know I have no social life - but hey, my children are young), have the same breed of dog as Grandma Elizabeth!

I casually referred to her treasured dog 'The Major' as Schmichael the last time I visited. Oh the satisfaction...... Grandma Elizabeth almost expired!

Shhhhhhhhhhh that dog is just NOCD!