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Monday, 3 March 2008

A mothers love...

My darling boy was blubbing on the top stair as I tripped up to bed last night. The poor lamb had been listening to the horrors on the news! We really must be so very careful indeed, little ears hear everything...

"Oh Mummy, why were the children in a special home in Jersey," he sobbed," and how could anyone be cruel to children with no mummy and daddy to protect them at all," he sobbed.

"I know my darling little man," I consoled, a lump in my throat and tears flowing down my perfect cheeks (I have amazing skin for a woman of my age and could actually pass for a girl of just 25).

I took my munchkin to his room and tucked him into bed before lying on the bed beside him.

"Mummy will always be here to protect you my tiny baby, I will always believe you, defend you and put you first sweetie. If anyone should ever hurt you, or touch you in a way that makes you feel unhappy, you can always tell Mummy," I assured my innocent child as we lay embracing on the bed. "Never be afraid to tell me anything my sweet boy, if anyone touches you at all, Javier (the gardener) the Parish Priest, your father, Grandpa Charles - Mummy will believe you. Just tell mummy... I will always put you first."

Then my perfect cub uttered words that every mother dreads. The skin on my face became cold and numb, I felt nauseated and confused.

"Well actually Mummy, daddy has touched me in the way you say... a way I did not like."

OHMYGOD!!! Pass the Rescue Remedy!

I scrambled off the bed, fell to the floor and reached across the room to flick my poppet's bedroom door closed with my foot. The realisation that my perfect marriage was surely over took hold and I knew I needed to protect my golden boy...

"Tell Mummy, my darling child. I shall toss the cad out on the street. Your father will never ever lay a hand on you again. I shall call the police and summon in the lawyers, you are safe dear heart - tell me all, Mummy can take it."

"Well Mummy, Papa noticed that I had used your new lipstick to draw on the floor tiles in your en suite bathroom and he slapped my bottom - I didn't like it at all. He was wrong."

"REALLY?" I replied. "Those limestone tiles are from Fired Earth and cost a fortune sweetie. They have not even been sealed yet - will the stains ever come out? And OHMYGOD - my new lipstick!!! If you ever touch my make-up bag again I shall send you to an institution called Winchester."

I really have the perfect family after all...(sigh).

12 comments:

Frog in the Field said...

HA HA!!!!
Brilliant, they just have the most (ironic) perfect comedy timing don't they?
My darling little Sophie asked if she could please (Mummy Darling) phone Daddy for a chat when we were out in the car yesterday.
"Of course, sweetie, Daddy would love to talk to you"
She held the phone,
daddy answered: " daddy...mummy's being mean to me, she wouldn't let me stay and play at Whirlikidz"

Dulwich Divorcee said...

I do so know how you feel, dear DM. Child One tripped over when wearing my new Chanel sunglasses when she was 2 and a half, and neither of us have forgotten it for a second .....

Anonymous said...

Dulwich Mum Apprecaiton Society on Facebook

Potty Mummy said...

But I thought you ARE 25...

dulwichmum said...

Perfect Frog,

How very dare these darlings torture us so? Can I offer you some Tamazepam with that gin?

Darling Dulwich Divorcee!

I see so many similarities between the two of us, you are like a sister - clearly!


Anonymous dear heart - can I call you Callum? You have made me laugh out loud today, would you like to marry my daughter?

Sweet Potty Mummy,

Oh I am my dear, and I will remain that age as long as one of my eyebrows does not float off towards my hair line in the manner of Kylie Minogue! (Doesn't she look alarming?)

Rosie said...

Darling Dulwich Mum, on such occasions there is never time to reach my Bach's Rescue Remedy as I reach for the Valium. Washed down with a refreshing drink I soon nod off and completely forget what I'm supposed to be doing and stop mid-sentence...

dulwichmum said...

Sweet Rosie,

If you clicked on my link to Rescue Remedy - you would have found a lovely big bottle of Gordon's Gin... just for my cornflakes!

Rosie said...

Dulwich Mum, why bother with the cornflakes?

aims said...

Dammit - yesterday I posted a comment - now where the hell is it????

Grrrrrr -

Here's part of it - what is Rescue Remedy?

dulwichmum said...

Lovely Rosie,

Oh go on then, I don't even need ice actually...

Sweet Aims,

Rescue Remedy is this liquid that one dispenses with a dropper onto ones tongue when in a panic (very popular with ladies around these parts)! I don't believe it works particularly well, but it tastes faintly of alcohol... I believe a small hip flask would have the same beneficial effect when filled with brandy!

Great Big Vegetable Challenge said...

Whatever happened to Mothers' little friend....

dulwichmum said...

Super BVC,

We drank it!