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Sunday, 8 July 2007

Inquisition

My mother arrived unannounced from Beckenham this evening OHMYGOD... Why me? My entire life is simply disintegrating in front of my eyes.

This is the very first time I have ever indulged in this kind of cosmetic enhancement and my fundamentalist Roman Catholic mother turns up, unannounced the same weekend. Brenda has spent the afternoon alternately weeping and grilling me in the manner of the Spanish inquisition.

Apparently JK Rowling was on The Jonathan Ross Show on Friday night, and in the words of my mother "She once had a chin that could take the lid of a beer bottle, and eye bags big enough to do your shopping with" and "what in the name of God has that lovely girl done to herself?" - "And now you, my baby ... What has James done now to shatter your self confidence?" she cried, just as Ana (our pregnant au pair) shuffled into the kitchen in search of a pickled egg and some chorizo sausage...

Really, some things are best left unsaid, I just hate conflict.

Initially Brenda tried to insist that I took the children to stay with her for a while, but my mothers home looks so much like a tribute to Angela Lansbury, and the thought of that alone would surely bring on one of my heads. My mother hates James because he is a protestant, but she would prefer to have a protestant son in law than a divorced daughter...

When will the tears ever end?

12 comments:

Omega Mum said...

Actually, I'd quite a chin that could open a beer bottle - though a nose that could uncork a bottle wine would be a hell of a lot more practical.

The Good Woman said...

But I LOVE Brenda. She gives you money for cabs home remember? Surely that's worth an Angela Lansbury tribute???

IngeniousRose.wordpress.com said...

Dulwichmum, you do not need to explain your situation any further for I too have a Roman Catholic mother. And Dulwichmum I am not married. Yes, imagine that news in a Roman Catholic family (and a strict Irish one at that!)
I'll have a quiet word with JK on your mother's behalf!

lady macleod said...

Oh my poor darling. I think you need a holiday. Leave the little darlings with mum and go for a week to the Hotel Cipriani, very secluded and quiet and once the swelling goes down you can nip over to Venice and some serious shopping. I think it is to be considered medicinal.

dulwichmum said...

Lovely Omega Mum,

You made me laugh so much I am crying again - sob.

Dear The Good Woman,

I know she has her lovely side, but all of the florals give me a headache, and she seems to have clad her entire kitchen in ornamental white geese.

Perfect Ingenious Rose,

Once more we are so similar! On Facebook I am "a recovering Roman Catholic."

Super Lady MacLeod,

I should have known that you could produce a suggestion to pick me up!

DM

IngeniousRose.wordpress.com said...

Oh Dulwichmum you are a scream! The phrase 'a recovering Roman Catholic' is absolutely perfect. I feel a stint in Rehad coming on, somewhere in America where we can be pampered and supported through the difficult journey of letting go of our guilt!

rilly super said...

careful now DM, we don't want JR bringing these comments up when you inevitably appear on his show. By the way, when you do get invited, my husband says can you get him a back stage pass so he can meet the band...

Drunk Mummy said...

Dear Dulwich Mum - surely Brenda must realise, having seen the mask-like face of the once lovely Joanne, that having 'a bit of work' done is an important part of being a writer these days. You are merely suffering for your art.
I belive JK is in negotiations about an extra HP book - Harry Potter and the Half-Botox Princess.
If you do get on the Jonathon Ross show, would you give him a smack around the head for me? You are a darling!

antarctichousehusband said...

Do stop crying, darling DM. All that water will erode the rubber!

I Beatrice said...

Appalling timing on Ana' part, DM!
Really, that girl has a very great deal to answer for.

And how can it be that I missed JK Rowling on the Jonathan Ross show? All I can think about where she's concerned, mind you, is the ABSOLUTE PANIC she must be feeling about having finished the last Harry Potter book!

What in God's name can she possibly do now?

gaelikaa said...

Don't worry, sure Brenda will just love the finished result and after she'll say you were right all along...I think....

@themill said...

You could always say overly devotion to the rosary beads has caused some sort of facial cramp. Chin up - if you still have one.