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Tuesday, 31 July 2007


So yes, sadly we have returned to Dulwich from our annual sojourn by the sea. It was reported in the press at the weekend that a Great White was observed swimming in the local waters frightening the tourists and putting off the surfers. Big Ana (our clinically obese, pregnant blonde au pair) had spent days body boarding in the surf with the delighted children...

Why do people insist on putting those enormous ugly luggage pods on the top of their cars when driving up and down the motorway? There were literally dozens of them on the M3 yesterday. Couldn't they simply drive a bigger car like mine?

I wonder how those pods work anyway? How do you get them on top of your car without spoiling the paint work?

Surely they must be packed like a great big Delsey suitcase prior to being attached to the car? I imagine they are fabric lined, with little pouches for shoes and dividers so that appliances like hair straightening irons and hair dryers do not rub against white jeans or crack open shampoo or Kerastase hair treatment containers? I mean, it must surely be packed in the house or else how could one sit on it to ensure that it closed? But then, if it is packed first how would it be safely lifted onto the roof of the car?

Ana couldn't possibly pack it already in situ on top of the car. All of the neighbours would be sure to see the contents...

Perhaps filled pods are lowered onto cars via a specially constructed tripod and pulley or even from an upstairs window? But then how would it be removed and unpacked upon arrival? What if your pod were to spring open on the motorway, I would die if my underwear to end up in the hands of a lorry driver!

Oh the conundrum that is the pod.

I don't much like the idea of those roof bicycle racks either, they look very precarious.

I strapped some chicken giblets to the under side of Ana's board yesterday morning when she was exercising just before we left, just to check for any "predators" in the bay, so I can safely say there are no sharks currently in Cornwall. Though I must admit that Ana was badly nibbled by a shoal of Mackerel...


IngeniousRose said...

Oh Dulwich Mum, there is certainly food for thought here. I had never thought of the pod conundrum before. We always travel light when we go on holiday. We take money with us and buy everything we need when we get there. This whole 'packing suitcases' business just sound like too much hassle to me.

dulwichmum said...

Darling Ingenious Rose,

It is good to have you visit me here in Dulwich, I so enjoy your company. I love your idea of avoiding packing by simply buying new things, but I fear it may not be very environmentally friendly. I took 14 pairs of white jeans with me on holiday, and they were all packed by Ana my au pair, what hardship is there in that for me?

I really am a lazy (glamorous - clearly) lady! Just like you darling!

IngeniousRose said...

Ah yes Dulwich Mum but think of the excitment of being able to shop for brand new holiday clothes, and you could select them online and then send your au pair out to collect them for you. Darling it really is something worth a try, perhaps on your next holiday.

IngeniousRose said...

And another thing - it subsidises the local economy, think about that.

dulwichmum said...

Darling Ingenious,

You have convinced me! Where has your blog gone lovely girl? I am worried.

IngeniousRose said...

It is still there Dulwich Mum, I've just clicked on my link in your blogroll and it does appear. You aren't getting confused are you? (Meant in a concerned not rude way!)

dulwichmum said...

Thank God for that! I think I must go and lie down now. I don't know what was going on there but it stopped working - I promise, and Antarctichousehusband seems to still not be working and I can't find him on Google. I hate my friends to go quiet and disappear. I am so glad your link works now, don't go anywhere will you?

Omega Mum said...

The pods do not in fact contain luggage at all but are the larvae of an alient race that will hatch out on the car roofs once sufficiently warmed by the sun. The great white shark was, in fact, the mother ship searching for her offspring.
Well, you did say real life stinks............Welcome home.

IngeniousRose said...

I won't be going anywhere darling Dulwich Mum. I find that things go missing too around this time of the evening after a glass or two of wine, not implying that this is the case with you, just trying to say I under stand your confusion. Oh dear I'm not putting this very well am I?! Anyway I echo omega mum, welcome home! It's good to have you back. (Hope your house is ok!!)

Stay at home dad said...

Is it not the chicken giblets that stink, Dulwich Mum?

mcewen said...

Interesting! We were just in England [during the 20 days of solid rain I might add!] and I wondered about those thingummy do dahs.

Now you've just given me more questions!

gaelikaa said...

I'm still trying to figure out what a pod is. I fear I've never seen one

Rob Clack said...

Welcome home DM. I'm with Ingenious Rose on this one. Order new holiday clothes online, send the AP to collect them while you pour yourself a nice glass of chablis to help you recover from the effort of organising everything.

And of course, when you come home you would leave the clothes to be given to all those deserving poor locals, raising their morale and leaving them a momento of your visit.

Frog in the Field said...

Dear DM,
I confess, I have a pod! There, I've said it.
Don't be harsh on me, I have a Volvo Estate, I don't think they get a lot bigger than that?
But, my pod is only placed on the car in heavily luggaged situations:
For camping, perfect for stuffing all the duvets, pillows and sleeping bags. (I too fear underwear may fly out, so that stays strictly in the boot).
For visiting my mother. I simply can't stand to sleep under her Duvets, they were around when I was tiny and I fear there has been no cleaning in that time. I also, always have to take my juicer and a supply of fresh fruit from Waitrose. Her local Asda (I shudder at the very name) sells such tasteless offerings that I cannot even consider putting them in my childrens' mouths (actually that goes for most things in my mothers' fridge).
I do sincerely hope you will forgive me, I promise that at all other times it is hidden from view.

I Beatrice said...

Sorry to be the damp squib here DM - but I have to come out in defence of the despised - viz, the pod-people! My daughter has one in fact. Well, with two adults and six kids off on a surfing holiday, they need it just for the wet suits and the surf boards...

I have no idea how they load and instal it, mind - but I'll inquire and let you know.

I Beatrice said...

Sorry, it was four kids not six! My daughter will be screaming at me by text over that one!

It still makes the pod an absolute essential however.

Frog in the Field said...

How to load a Pod:

1. take one pod and three children and a bucket of soapy water, scrub gently until all clean.

2. Get very strong husband to lift the pod onto the car roof.

3. Screw up the clamps on the side very carefully avoiding damage to nails.

4. Open pod.

5. Stand on the edge of the rear seat and stuff pod full of soft items, always keeping part of the item within reach.

Alternatively, place three children into the said pod whilst trying to gain entry to Longleat, Alton Towers, anywhere you pay at the gate while still in the car.

Nunhead Mum of One said...

David wanted a pod. I told him that if he bought one and - worse - installed it on our soon to arrive brand new Vauxhall Meriva then divorce would certainly follow. It's bad enough that I have to drive a Meriva but he didn't think that the BMW coupe I had my eye on was very child/dog friendly.

Following your comment about the wind at Hampton Court - how could I forget it?!

dulwichmum said...

Dear Omega Mum,

I am so frightened now I shall spend the evening hiding behind the sofa!

Lovely Ingenious Rose,

Thank you for your kind welcome home. I am grateful to the Lord himself that I have a home to come back to...

Sweet Stay at home dad,

Perhaps you are right, it is the chicken giblets...

Dear Mcewen,

I had no idea you were in town! Now I shall dash over to your blog to see some new photos of your lovely boys and their cats!

Lovely Gaelikaa,

If you click on the underlined word "pod" it will show you a photo.

Perfect Rob,

You give me the best suggestions! Where would I be without blogland?

Darling Frog in the field,

I am sorry if I was rude about pods, I was just frustrated that I could not work out how to fill them. I shall sleep well tonight. Thank you so much for the information.

Sweet I Beatrice,

I imagine that the thought of an additional pair of children would bring tears to your daughters eyes!

Lovely Nunhead mum of one,

You poor girl, I had no idea that David was so cruel... a Vauxhall! I would rather have a pod! Have a tissue.

Elsie Button said...

Never mind the bloody pods, what about poor Ana? she might have got eaten by a shark and then where would you be?

dulwichmum said...

Ideed dear lovely Elsie,

Where would I be then?

rilly super said...

I've known this whole pod issue to become terribly competitive DM. Our neighbour back in Islington had to take his HGV2 before he could use his. It had airconditioning and a 32' TV. When you travel across the channel by car now french law requires a luggage pod to identify you as british, replacing the old GB sticker.

I'm glad you got back from Cornwall without suffering at the hands of any sharks, except for car park attendants, ice cream sellers and the jamaica inn gift shop

Pig in the Kitchen said...

deary me, Frog in the Field has got it all wrong (sorry frog).
1. Hire special 'pod-packing person' (like the kind that do seasonal fruit picking),
2. make huge pile of stuff in your spacious hall
3. Instruct PPP (see 1) to neatly, carefully and conscientiously pack stuff into pod
4. Retreat to back room, brew coffee and eat dark chocolate
5. Cross PPP's palm with some crumply notes
6. Wave them au-revoir, and head off for holiday
7. Greet secondary PPP who (due to ease of online booking) should be waiting at holiday destination
8. Head straight for sun-kissed balcon (french, not typo) and demand chilled glass of rose
Voila, not difficult at all.
Is Ana really pregnant?

mutterings and meanderings said...

Chicken giblets? I though they'd prefer raw, unadulterated au pair? Der dum... der dum ..

Nic Price said...

Brilliant post and I freely admin to having a pod :-)

The Good Woman said...

Oh so they're for luggage are they??? I thought those were all just station wagons that were expecting (not unlike Ana). So I might have to stop calling them 'the pregnant Peugeots'. My mistake - probably caused by the sight of the number of pregnant people who seem to have them...

Foxy Minx said...

I have to agree with IngeniousRose.
Why bother with packing and risking rumpling your best silk chemise when you can so easily while away a couple of hours shopping for more items once at the holiday destination. And anyway - forever conscious of carbon footprints - I really dont want BA to have to carry too much luggage in first class.

DJ Kirkby said...

chicken giblets strapped to the bottom of the board to test for predatory fish, what a fabulously clever idea, how ever do you think of them?...

AntiScam said...

Ha, ha, you are outragous. You are awful, but I like you!

dulwichmum said...

Oh Darling Rilly,

You know everything is a competition in Dulwich! The "who has the biggest and most luxurious pod" competition does not surprise me at all.

Lovely Pig in the kitchen,

You know I like your style! I should have emailed you for advice.

Dear M&M,

You know you are right! I am really such a kind employer you know.

Lovely Nic,

Thank you for your kind comment. It is good to have your company.

Sweet The Good Woman,

You are a scream. They do make cars look pregnant!

Hi Ms Foxy Minx,

Where have you been? I have so missed you.

Lovely DJ Kirkby,

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Perfect Antiscam,

I like you too!

lady macleod said...

I thought the pods were for aliens? I admire your shark detection cheeky wench.

debio said...

Don't worry your glamorous mind with pods, dulwich mum, they will soon be outlawed as they cause the vehicle to have the aerodynamics of a brick and therefore to use more fuel....

They will soon become outcasts - along with the caravan....

Love the idea of buying holiday kit on arrival - so much more fun and an excellent alternative to plunging in the cold Atlantic!

Welcome home!

dulwichmum said...

Lovely Lady MacLeod,

Desperate times call for desperate measures!

Dear Debio,

You are funny.


IngeniousRose said...

Well Dulwich Mum, looking through your comments it seems the argument for buying your holiday gear when you get there is a clear winner.

I rest my case.

(Smug face to camera)

Fade out.

@themill said...

Can't one just get one's staff to pack everything?