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Thursday, 22 May 2008

Desperate times call for desperate measures (hic)

This evening as I crunched up the drive after work (that damn gravel is playing havoc with my heels, I observed our housekeeper, Albena, drag an enormous crate of empty wine bottles out towards the end of our drive (I swear that woman is related to Fatima Whitbread). Each time the recycling men career towards our house in their enormous zebra stripped truck, they displace the gravel so substantially that the Aston subsequently sinks to its bumpers.

James would no longer be satisfied if the bodywork were less than perfect (sigh). What if he were to look around for a new model (OHMYGOD)? I am forced to face the fact that there could be a problem...

Never fear! I have discovered the perfect solution (see above).

I shall simply place my order with the click of a mouse and everything will soon be fine and dandy (hurrah).

The extra inches that I bear due to my nightly consumption of half a bottle of white Burgundy (St Veran is a special favourite but Threshers have let me down so often of late) will soon be a thing of the past! Please note: I am the mother of young children - it is this or Prozac.

I am convinced that I can ride a bucking broncho and not spill a drop - I have developed a kind of steely determination. Any hint of a thunderous thigh will soon be a thing of the past!

20 comments:

Gary said...

Methinks I shall have to check out this bucking bronco contraption, however all bets are off if it doesn't come in green!

In the meanwhile I'll have to stick with my regular exercise routine of walking by the machines at the gym and feeling healthier simply by my close proximity. It's worked thus far. You should check out my guns.

dulwichmum said...

Darling Gary,

Isn't exercise a bore? You really are a handsome devil you know, but I am a married lady. Thank you for your kind offer but if my husband caught me checking out your guns, I fear he would instruct a lawyer (sigh)!

Cowboys & Custard said...

I hate to interrupt your little tete a tete with Gary but I specialise in thunder thighs! The secret to a peachy bum and taught thighs is less blogging !
I have expanded horribly in the derriere region thanks to the seduction of the blog..!

Michele

Expatmum said...

Now don't come crying to us when you throw your back out on that thing. It looks positively dangerous if you ask me!

aims said...

Golly - I'm obviously out of the loop darling. I haven't seen one of these contraptions before. Is it compulsory to wear the hat and the tail while riding those things? I know there are a lot of men who would pay to see you doing so if that were the case.

aims said...

Excuse me - I should have written - I've heard (instead of I know)ooops - ahem..

Frog in the Field said...

What IS the matter with you.
DM, for goodness sake, what will it look like you're doing through the windows? In silhouette I can tell you, it's not going to be pretty.
Darling do watch the suspension on those awful speed bumps in the Aston won't you? You'll have to bring a gas guzzling 4x4 if you visit here this summer, the Aston does make it down the drive (well the DB7 was OK) but it gets So mucky!)

Frog in the Field said...

What IS the matter with you.
DM, for goodness sake, what will it look like you're doing through the windows? In silhouette I can tell you, it's not going to be pretty.
Darling do watch the suspension on those awful speed bumps in the Aston won't you? You'll have to bring a gas guzzling 4x4 if you visit here this summer, the Aston does make it down the drive (well the DB7 was OK) but it gets So mucky!)

zoe said...

I'm almost back to blogging, but not quite ..... After having sat on a Bucking Broncho Sheep in the Lake District I am sure that I could take one of those contraptions on.

In heels, naturally.

dulwichmum said...

Perfect C&C,

But we can blog while sitting (and drinking!) on our new special exercise stools!

Darling Expatmum,

It is a chance I am prepared to take, I love my man so (sigh).

Sweet Frog,

I was rather hoping that you could send a taught young farm hand to wash my vehicle - tanned and naked from the waist up (OHMYGOD!).

Zoe Baby!

Thank God for that! Shall I open a bottle?

Nunhead Mum of One said...

Darling, I'm afraid I can't take these contraptions seriously after I saw Charlie catapulted from one last summer. She made her way back to the open mouthed bystanders saying something that rhymed with bucking bronco but it began with F. But if you insist on giving it a try, I shall come and catch you.....

Frog in the Field said...

Gosh, I see I am getting rather repetitive in my old age, sorry!
DM, I've told you before, I'm not sharing my gorgeous husband and that's that!
Are you sure you and James are happy Darling?

dulwichmum said...

Sweet NMoO,

Pop by any time, I am buckaroo-ing around on the back steps as I type!

Darling Frog in the Field,

Indeed, I am so very happy indeed (what girl would not be?) it is just James. I am concerned that he may be tempted from time to time, he is so damned powerful and wealthy. The world is full of women prepared to do anything at all to get their mits on an attractive man like mine (sigh)...

Elsie Button said...

DM, you don't buy your wine from threshers do you? - surely that is the common mans offy?

dulwichmum said...

Darling Elsie,

I am ashamed to admit this, but sometimes my need has been so great, that I have purchased my Chablis from Tesco Metro!!! (their Finest range - clearly) OHMYGOD.

Frog in the Field said...

DM, Tesco Metro?
Bucking Bronco?
You need a break.
Next you'll be telling me you've started using the bus again - OHMYGOD!

Teenage Rampage said...

OMG! You don't want to try one of those DM! I tried one last summer and I almost brok my neck! There was a huge inflatable wall surrouding the stupid thing to protect all the 'precious' bystanders-but what about me?! I got thrown over the top of the damned thing! Trust me after that experience, I'm not even gonna attempt straddling one again!

girl with the mask said...

That thing looks like a sex toy!

dulwichmum said...

Sweet Frog,

You are right, I am off to Sandy Lanes for a rehab...

Darling Teenage Rampage,

I am not sure that I like the sound of that at all - I am a lady afterall. I wonder if I can sit side saddle on it?

Perfect GWTM,

What are you saying dear heart? I thought that you were a young unmarried slip of a girl. What need would you have for a "sex toy" OHMYGOD! Please tell me that you read about them in Heat magazine when you were having your hair dressed...

Pig in the Kitchen said...

well it looks rather large for a sex toy, but great that you have a choice of colours. I do like the stirrup feature, that's got my brain cells working. I'm thinking whips, chaps (the leather kind, well, or the other kind)and long black boots. I'm surprised that you're giving this kind of thing coverage on your cultured blog sweet DM, but I applaud this new angle.

I'm so very happy that you made reference to the trials of parenting young children, and the necessary medication. Cheers!
Pigx