Shades

The big boss lolloped into my office on Friday morning without so much as a meeting request on Outlook.

“Bea darling,” he bellowed, “since you have begun this column thingy at The Telegraph, I have observed you behave like a diva about the office. I do hope that your new commitments will not cause any conflict with your work here…”

OHMYGOD!

The persecution of Petite Anglaise and Girl with a one track mind have been at the forefront of my thoughts for the last few days… I am so paranoid about the entire issue of appropriate internet use that I no longer so much as answer my work email at the office, I have discussed the matter with my incredibly masculine agent (purrr). I would hate to lose my job, where would I go to hide on my perfect children (gasp)?

“What are you saying Mr Hargreaves, have I done something wrong?” I sobbed as I slipped into my 3 inch heels beneath my desk, and tottered across the carpet into his waiting arms.

“Well I can’t help but notice that you constantly wear dark sun glasses of late, even inside on these overcast summer days. What are the clients to think? Writing a column for a web site hardly qualifies you to behave like Posh Spice! It will surely cause you to aquire a reputation for vanity…”

“Oh Felix,” I wailed, “I have a perfectly logical reason for obscuring my eyes, I am aware that I look like a welder in these frightful enormous glasses… Do you think that I chose to look like vile Victoria? I can take them off and show you, it is a mess under here I tell you, a mess.”

“Oh no dear girl,” he replied putting one flabby arm around my waist, “I had no idea that James was such a cad.”

“He is so very abusive of me Mr Hargreaves, he never notices me at all. I was hoping that if I allowed my eyebrows to grow wild for a month and then had them re fashioned by an expert threader that James might find me more attractive… in the mean time my brows have all of the charm of Desperate Dan’s chin, it is best for everyone at the office if they remember me as I was for the time being.”

Mr Hargreaves looked puzzled and apologised profusely before backing out of my office apologetically. I really do hope that all of my effort is worth it (sigh). I couldn’t bear it if anyone considered me to be superficial…