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Saturday, 31 May 2008


The big boss lolloped into my office on Friday morning without so much as a meeting request on Outlook.

“Bea darling,” he bellowed, “since you have begun this column thingy at The Telegraph, I have observed you behave like a diva about the office. I do hope that your new commitments will not cause any conflict with your work here…”


The persecution of Petite Anglaise and Girl with a one track mind have been at the forefront of my thoughts for the last few days… I am so paranoid about the entire issue of appropriate internet use that I no longer so much as answer my work email at the office, I have discussed the matter with my incredibly masculine agent (purrr). I would hate to lose my job, where would I go to hide on my perfect children (gasp)?

“What are you saying Mr Hargreaves, have I done something wrong?” I sobbed as I slipped into my 3 inch heels beneath my desk, and tottered across the carpet into his waiting arms.

“Well I can’t help but notice that you constantly wear dark sun glasses of late, even inside on these overcast summer days. What are the clients to think? Writing a column for a web site hardly qualifies you to behave like Posh Spice! It will surely cause you to aquire a reputation for vanity…”

“Oh Felix,” I wailed, “I have a perfectly logical reason for obscuring my eyes, I am aware that I look like a welder in these frightful enormous glasses… Do you think that I chose to look like vile Victoria? I can take them off and show you, it is a mess under here I tell you, a mess.”

“Oh no dear girl,” he replied putting one flabby arm around my waist, “I had no idea that James was such a cad.”

“He is so very abusive of me Mr Hargreaves, he never notices me at all. I was hoping that if I allowed my eyebrows to grow wild for a month and then had them re fashioned by an expert threader that James might find me more attractive… in the mean time my brows have all of the charm of Desperate Dan’s chin, it is best for everyone at the office if they remember me as I was for the time being.”

Mr Hargreaves looked puzzled and apologised profusely before backing out of my office apologetically. I really do hope that all of my effort is worth it (sigh). I couldn’t bear it if anyone considered me to be superficial…


Working mum said...

Superficial? Never.

Good idea to wear the glasses to obscure unkempt eyebrows. Same reason I wear trousers for a fortnight before waxing; hate to subject people to my legs au naturale!

Frog in the Field said...

DM, you poor, poor dear.
How you suffer for that cruel man, I'm sorry to use such harsh words about James but he makes you suffer so terribly.
you really are a matyr to a perfect marriage, you know.

dulwichmum said...

Sweet Working Mum,

What a terrific plan! I have never gone in for leg waxing because of the re-growth issue. You have inspired me.

Dear Frog,

I can only carry on with the support of my chums. Let me pop some Chablis in a glass for you?

Nunhead Mum of One said...

Darling, I haven't noticed an increase in your Diva-esque behaviour. Although I do have a problem with the appointment booking system.....just ten minutes each? Can I book two slots please?

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Hey saw your comment on the fab AIMS' blog. Thought I'd Pop over and say hello. Saw all the negative rubbish about your blog and a lot of good stuff too. Hope you are ignoring the poop and enjoying yourself. I didn't comment on the article as I thought there were to many people trying to cash in on your success. A bit crass really.

Hope you don't mind but I've nicked an award logo from your site as I really liked it and I want to pass it on to the folks that have beeb great supports on my blog.

Good luck old girl - ignore the naysayers and count the pounds as they roll in!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Excuse my typo's - I type like a monkey..

Nunhead Mum of One said...

love your cakes too by the way.....can I have one please?

dulwichmum said...

Oh darling Nunhead Mum of One,

You are a scream! It is fifteen minutes, and if you take a double slot we may be able to grab a Starbucks! Pop around now my lovely and I shall pop the kettle on. Konditor and Cook gave me those lovely cakes and they are simply delicious.

Sweet MOB,

Thank you for your support.

DM x

Nunhead Mum of One said...

Can I make it tomorrow lovely girl? Half time in the England game is forthcoming and David has just promised me a fifteen minute slot with him.....

dulwichmum said...

Darling NMoO,

OHMYGOD! I think you may have overshared...

aims said...

I think I might have to steal the pants idea as well dearest Dulwichmum - you know - for when the razor gets a little too dull and The Man hasn't been to the grocery store for the next case of replacements.

Life can just be so tough sometimes.

A Confused Take That Fan said...

Hmm, Dulwich mum, I feel your pain, I am letting the hairy eyebrows face the world in the build up to the pre-holiday waxing trip. It's not a good look

I couldn't decide what was worse for you, caterpillar brows or being told you are behaving like Posh Spice...Is there ever a good time to be compared to Mrs Beckham?

aims said...

OH!! I'm definitely with 'A confused fan' and what she has to say! Hear Hear!!

Elsie Button said...

i have only ever had my eyebrows plucked once, and that was for my wedding day... thought I was going all out... a real treat...

rilly super said...

DM dear, with your future being so bright, as the song goes, you gotta wear shades

ALF said...

You're too funny!

Adventure Togs said...

You've given me some fab advice here dear. My eyebrows are ghastly at the mo, so maybe I'll cover up for a week or two until "my lady" works her magic!

Jane Henry said...

Daaa-arrling? Superficial, qui toi? Shurely shome mishtake...
I've tagged you for a meme by the way...

Kelly said...

Superficial is the new black surely???

By the way, just wanted to comment on how fab your new look is...I have naturally been a bit tied up of late, gazing at my perfect baby daughter, but have surfaced to remind myself how to use the interweb. Thanks for your lovely comments....K

dulwichmum said...

Aims dear heart,

Life can be so damn difficult!

Dear A Confused Take That Fan,

OHMYGOD! Sob... Where is the damn cork screw?

Nice kind Elsie,

I am deeply superficial you know!

Rilly darling,

I love it when you pop by for a glass of something cold! Can I take your coat?

Lovely Alf,

You are too kind.

Sweet Adventure Togs,

Apparently new eyebrows can completely transform a girl.

Perfect Jane,

I am so very grateful for your kind tag, I shall have a go, but I am rubbish at Memes. X

Darling Kelly!

You must be exhausted, here have a chair, and a cushion, and a drink. Your perfect daughter is simply the cutest baby. Can I send my au pair over to yours to help out with a spot of damp dusting?