Laser sharp...
Brenda (my darling mother) popped by this morning unannounced.
"You look so very bloated darling.
What have you been eating?
Are you constipated?" (she really is quite the charmer!).
"Oh mother, nice to see you too," I chirped, looking up from my newspaper and kissing her on each cheek.
"Gosh aren't those whiskers on your chin coarse?
Have you considered laser treatment for that?" I continued.
Am I the only girl on the planet with a mother this hurtful (sigh)?
42 comments:
Sweet DM, with all those torch weilding barbarians over at the Telegraph, I think your mother is perhaps the least of your worries!
Crack open that champers, give your mother the finger (altho you're too much of a laydee) and get thee to a spa!
Pigx
wielding. i meant to write wielding.
Or perhaps you could have quipped: "You know what? The designer stubble really suits you."
Well I asked my Mum 2 weeks ago if she was coming to visit us before we left Europe for good in 8 weeks time. Am still waiting for a reply on that but in the meantime she has updated me on the quality of her lawn, her work at the charity shop and the hymns at last week's service..........
Darling Pig,
Oh dear! And I thought that they would love me. I only hope that my own dear husband never finds out about my new column, we are such private people...
Sweet Dumdad,
Welcome to my blog. You know I wish I had thought of that, but then she is my mother and she would probably slap my legs and send me to the naughty step!
Lovely Fiona,
We could be related! I feel your pain. Why are mothers such hard work?
Darling DM,
Do you think Fiona's and our mothers were triplets separated at Birth?
SOOoo good to see you have excellent taste in your choice of Newspaper.
Oh, it's so hot here, shall I pour the Pimms Sweetie?
Just jealousy! And congrats over all your recent "stuff"!
Mum - Just read about your success from Dumdad's blog. Congratulations! Any nasty comment about your column should be viewed in proper perspective (what is the impetus of such vileness? Jealously? Unhappiness with one's own situation?). You keep doing what you are doing. I am happy to have found you!
Oh, and about mothers. Mine is a true gift from heaven and I could never imagine such a veiled dig coming out of her mouth. But yours does seem witty of a sort and your response topped hers. Bravo!
Frog darling!
Well you and I worked out that we were related some time ago, I am now sure that Fiona is a sister too!
What a perfect plan. Shall I have the house keeper trim some mint from the window box?
Lovely Expatmum,
Thank you so much, can I offer you a drink? It is so hot today or is that some kind of sacrificial bonfire that is producing this heat?...
Perfect Gary,
How incredibly kind. Thanks for the support. I am puzzled by the nastyness, I am just an average mummy afterall.
Darling, I'm stunned at the comments on your Telegraph article.....jealousy, jealousy, always jealousy......
Have you tried apple mint in your Pimms? So yummy!
Just found you at dumdad and popped over to give support! Good luck, they're all just jelious!
Thank you very much Suburbia, it is much appreciated.
Bea x
Hello. I came to tell you about Dumdad's post about you ... but clearly that's old news now.
Meanwhile, I think mothers unwittingly stab their children, even as grown-ups, with these straight-for-the-jugular comments because they are making up for what they too suffered at the tongues of their own twittering, control freaky mothers back in ye olde days.
Either that or they just develop mature-mother syndrome (the tendency to instantly translate thoughts into words, without internally screening them for suitability first).
Lovely Gonebacksouth,
Thank you so much for dropping by. I have opened a bottle, can I offer you a drink (hic)?
I love your writing and think it very funny and have a feeling (or at least I hope so) that you will have a little teeny tiny hangover this morning from all the celebrating. Many many congratulations! It is very well deserved!
Nope! I have Mother who says when I have managed to achieve something more than getting the dog hair off the carpet.
"I knew you would be good at something, you were never going to be a brain surgeon but well done"
and a sister who even now ( I am old than you think but not as old as I will be ) intruduces me as "The dim pretty one".
Hey ho thats life
(but not as Jim knows it).
Blossom
Darling Tattie,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I have been up with the lark this morning, and decided to beat my Chablis addiction - I want to avoid the bingo winged look for summer!
OHMYGOD! Blossom dear heart, I have found another sister.
My dear friend - many many heartfelt congratulations! OMG!! I'm so very proud of you - and so terribly jealous...ooops....
Wow!! And to think - I can say - I knew her when......
Hi, I came via dumdad and would like to wish you congrats! It's nice to see lot's of his community have beaten me to it already.
I think I'd have told my mum she should wear longer skirts to hide her boobs!
Good luck and go girl, give them hell.
Debs x
Darling Dulwich Mum you are fast becoming a superstar! Congratulations and well done! Lend us a tenner?!
Aims darling,
Thank you so much, but you know that all of us bloggers are simply a fabulous bunch o'muthas.
Lovely Debs,
Thank you for the kind encouragement.
Perfect Rosie,
I shall send my driver over with a car load of cash right now!
my own late mil was unfailingly, unnervingly sweet to me. it's my own mother that specialises in those little comments that knock you off balance for the whole day. i'm sure she loves me ... well, almost sure, but she has a strange way of showing it.
Having been zapped by a laser to the tune of £500.. the persistent whiskers refuse to die!
Dearest DM,
Just to say you are the Blogmother as far as I am concerned and those Telegraphians just heathens at your delightful wrought iron curlicued gates. I needn't even say take no notice, as I know you won't, you are an inspiration to us all xx
Howdy. I wrote a nice thing on the Telegraph site, a cheery one because of all the nasties. But they haven't put it up, the swine. So I sashayed over here to find you already steeped in love.
I was very excited to see you in the Torygraph (where else?). Being a Grauniad reader I was loathe to spend money on the paper, so I read you on-line.
I'm happy to report that my husband thinks you are very funny and very clever. I think it's important to pass on that kind of feedback.
Made me laugh that someone else thought they could have been paid to write it. But they weren't, were they? The negative comments painted a picture of unpublished, embittered wannabe writers living in miserable attics across north London right (in my imaginings, anyway).
Like Milla I put a love fest comment on the Telegraph but it's yet to appear. Do we sense a conspiracy? Do they want you to be vilified so people will log on to read the nasty comments, and hold an iron bar to the "super" ones. Demand a recount DM!
Sweet Rivergirlie,
I sometimes wonder if she is jealous of me?
Lovely Cowboys & Custard,
OHMYGOD, you cannot be serious, I just assumed that Lasers would work. Well she should at least try waxing, don't you agree?
Darling Dulwich Divorcee,
How very kind you are. I can see so much of myself in you (sigh)...
Kind Milla,
There can never be too much love!
Perfect Sass e-mum,
You really are a super chum. Thanks for stopping by. You really made me laugh!
Devonlife dear heart!
Really? Are you serious? OHMYGOD!!! I shall phone them quick smart. How very dare they.
Hello DM me again..
Thank you for dropping by..
I hate to have given the impression in my previous comment that I am a bearded wonder...Just the odd stubborn whisker you understand..
Nothing a pair of tweezers can't handle..
I highly recommend the laser..You get used to the singed smell eventually!
Michelex
Oh Michele darling,
I never got the impression that you had a handlebar moustache!
;)
Hi! Found you via Mother's Pride (one of my favourites) and the Telegraph article.
Your blog made me LOL; are you sure you don't live in the Gold Trafford area of Cheshire and just masquerade as living in Dulwich?
Dear Working Mum,
I definitely am a Dulwich mum, but you know that those women in Cheshire are too! We live on the Upper East Side in New York, Roseville in Victoria (Australia) and Cheshire too - OHMYGOD there are so very many DMs in Cheshire! Thank you for your kind words.
Aah yes DM: the tall poppy syndrome. An old catholic remedy brought out when one's children are doing too well...
Darling Potty Mummy,
Why of course! I should have realised. How wise you are.
Just popped over via dumdad to say keep on blogging. I would like to say that I find it hard to believe people can be that nasty but sadly that seems to be the state of the world today. Jealousy rules!
Good luck with your blog and column.
Deborah
I too left a loving comment on your column in telegraph two days ago and they didn't put it up.
Why are people so bitter and bored?
Mothers are hurtful because they are the only ones who are allowed to be. My mum told me i have totally let myself go since having Betty and look a big fat mess! Charming.
Lovely Deborah,
Thank you for your kind encouragement.
Perfect Betty Button,
Thank you so much for taking the time to leave that comment on the Telegraph site. I love your blog sweetie, but you are making me so incredibly broody - I would love a baby Jasper (sigh)!
Well done on the Telegraph thingy. How wonderful to be famous (sigh).
Darling Ernest,
I am not famous, and I will never actually be famous in any case, I am anonymous (sigh), just like Zoro but without the horse, the mask and the cloak - or the hairy chest actually, perhaps not that much like Zorro after all.
Sounds like you are taking it all in your stride. Well done - a newspaper column is certainly an achievement for a blogger no matter what anyone says. Chin up! :)
Dear Softinthehead,
Thank you for your support.
My mother has only recently stopped suggesting I wear make up and high heels.
She now confines herself to unsolicited child-rearing advice.
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