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Sunday, 1 April 2007

Dingle Dangle Scarecrow

My baby boy is a baby no more. I am beside myself with grief!

I began to sing the munchkins' their favourite song today..., to no response! Normally by the time I get to;

"with a flippy floppy hat",

my darling babies are jumping about doing the actions with all of the energy of the cast of Rainbow (remember them?) on speed! Instead, my young man stared at me with a look of complete disgust. Indeed, he was practically sporting a mono brow!

'I'm a big boy now mummy, please stop the silly song singing'.


"Silly song singing"?

It was his "very best favourite" song only last week! What is going on?

NO, NO, NO! My baby Max is now gone forever...

I noticed recently his little sausage like fingers have slimmed down, he has lost the baby fat around his wrists, those sweet chunky bracelets are no more.

I am bereft. I suppose I should have realised that this was day was coming. Freya was given a Barbie doll by Liliana (our cleaner) for her birthday. Would you believe the dreadful plastic stick insect doll came complete with a pooing pooch? It is so unbelievably dreadful I can almost not bear to describe its horrors.

The Labrador type dog Tanner, opens his mouth and eats a small brown dog biscuit, which it then passes as a poo! And then, once again he gets fed the same dog biscuit... In the name of God and all of his Angels and Saints - you could not make this up!

When the doll was unwrapped, Max made off with the dog and biscuits, he has been fascinated with it's functions all afternoon on the living room floor. In goes the dog biscuit, out comes the poo!

Max tells no end of bottom jokes, and his constant talk of poo has meant that my poor mother has not been brought into his company for the last two weeks. Her sensibilities would be so offended. She would probably have the little lamb exorcised.

According to the literature this is; "all part of normal development". Soon my baby will be a man. He is growing up!

I wonder if he will still respond to the old favourite song: 'Sleeping bunnies'?...


NumberOneScumMum said...

Oh DM you poor, poor thing. What kind of person would give darling Freya something quite so awful. God knows what kind of appauling fixations this may develop into in later life?
I suggest you get down to Hamleys as soon as poss and get her a Derek doll with his lovely collection of shoes. I know you were slightly concerned about dodgy Derek's motives when I mentioned this before, but frankly I think it may be worth the risk. You wouldn't want her to grow up into the kind of young lady for laughs at her own farts, after all.

AntiScam said...

I though I was going to die laughing until I clicked through the link and saw that this dreadful doll was in fact real - and not one of your tall tales! What is the world coming to? I do hope your children are not scared by this whole experience.

Nunhead Mum of One said...

i'm doing the actions as I type!

Babysteps said...

A pooing plastic pooch that eats its own yuck? Good lord. I'm clutching my pearls in horror.

dulwichmum said...

These toy makers are a disgrace! I am so glad that you all agree. We must stand firm against these forces that seek to pollute our childrens minds with filth!

antarctichousehusband said...

I'm quite sure it won't be long before they make a Barbie that binges then purges. At least it would explain her ridiculous proporitions, which are far more disturbing than a shit-eating puppy dog.

Pig in the Kitchen said...

You almost sound broody with your whimsical description of boy leaving babyhood...

Now that's something you could do when you and your hubby are no longer working!

dulwichmum said...

Dear Antarctichousehusband,

You know you could just be right. These people are a disgrace!

Mrs Pig in the kitchen, I sooo am not broody, have you any idea of the expenses involved in independent education? Your husband is obviously much too rich for this to be even mentioned in your home!