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Friday, 13 April 2007

Radical Action...

I must admit that our au pair Ana is just wonderful with the children, but she is just far more good looking than is necessary. Good quality, reliable childcare is so difficult to find, and the same too can be said of a good husband. I shall do everything in my power to keep both. I have therefor decided upon some radical action.

I shall pay for Ana to have major orthodontic work. Braces are so unattractive, and they should serve to remind my husband of the vast age difference between them both. There doesn't actually appear to be anything wrong with Ana's teeth, but the orthodontist near my home is notorious for finding something expensive to occupy himself with in the mouths of local teenagers and if I wave James' credit card around when we visit, I am sure he can find something to do for Ana with a couple of metres of wire and a great sheet of metal.

Last night I dropped a sugar lump in Ana's tea, and I also bought her gifts of a six pack of do-nuts and a great sack of tortilla chips. I am eagerly anticipating her imminent massive weight gain.

This morning I cunningly cancelled her direct debit with the online optician, thus halting her monthly postal delivery of contact lenses. Ana's glasses are not dis-similar to those of Ugly Betty.

This afternoon I shall take Ana shopping for those unforgiving smock dresses which are currently in fashion, while at the same time replenishing my stocks of La Perla underwear. I may even purchase a new pair of white jeans. I look amazing in white jeans...

I shall do everything I can to keep James' attentions for myself...

3 comments:

rilly super said...

dulwichmum darling, there is a cheaper alternative you know. Send Ana up north for a day and after a visit to my northern hairdresser and then a 'trinny and susannah' around the local charity shops I think all your problems will be solved.

Nunhead Mum of One said...

can you deny her access to soap and deodorant dear one? especially with the summer months coming up......

dulwichmum said...

Wow, girls, I love both of your suggestions. You are such a comfort to me!