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Friday, 15 June 2007

Broken glass...

I am so very sorry for not posting for the past few days (sniff)... I must admit I have been feeling a little emotional of late. It is just that Ana - (our naturally blonde au pair) OHMYGOD - she is with child!!!

We have been taking this so very personally. She is practically a child herself! She is just 22 years old, she could be my... sister! And, in her Lithuanian village - this would be an outrageous scandal. I was aware of her - charms, I must admit, I was even a little jealous insecure myself for a time. I was considering Botox - but then, well it looks rather painful, they use needles you know. So, I arranged for Ana to have braces on her teeth instead. She looks about twelve years old now, and then there were the frozen pizzas I bought for her - in bulk from Iceland... But really, the swimming instructor from THAT local school - he should be ashamed of himself - he has the morals of an alley cat!

James has suddenly been called away to go to Faro on a business trip (where the hell is that?) and I am certainly not going to launder and press his shirts for him. And Ana, well she has morning sickness - the poor girl and cannot be allowed anywhere near an iron in her condition - she looks like a Barbie doll who has swallowed half a boiled egg, how could I have been so blind?

Brenda has arrived to clear up the mess... There she is, in the utility room, watching a vile DVD on the flat screen TV while she uses the ironing press. It looks like something out of Prisoner Cell Block H in there with her toxic cloud of Robin spray starch. Oh I hate Daniel O'bloody Donnell. Why is Liliana always on maternity leave when you need to have a shirt ironed in this house? I dread to think of the condition of her pelvic floor...

I am beside myself with horror and shame. I could beat that man to death with my bloomin cattle prod... I am shattered!

11 comments:

mutterings and meanderings said...

Oh my dear, I feel for you! How utterly inconsiderate of her - and him ..

Frog in the Field said...

Dearest DM,
I am ordering my courier to dispatch cattle prod and pig slappers.
The sock for you must truly be unbearable. My lady that does would also be sent immediately but she has gone on holiday with her husband and children! I just don't know how they think we will manage!
Best plan of attack is abandon ironing, I threw mine away long ago. You will feel so much better, the linen look is in anyway!

I Beatrice said...

Ironing? My solution is just to leave it lying about till it really needs to be washed again. Then, it lies about again - that way it never needs to get done!

What to wear in the meantime is a bit of a prob of course - but hey, there's usually an unironed something or other.

Poor, poor you though - soon it will be au pair and child!

Rob said...

If Ana decides - at some later stage - that she needs to earn a little extra, please send her to Landcroft House. We are being subsumed by an irascible ironing mountain :(

Motheratlarge said...

Cattle-prod, DM? That should reach him in his life guard's chair, anyway.

dulwichmum said...

Oh darling M&M,

..... Sob, sob, sob - sniff!

Oh dear Frog in the field,

Sniff - (nose blow) Ohmygod - wail...

Sweet I Beatrice,

Ahhh, sniff, sob, sob.

Lovely Rob!

How could you do that to Silvana? Tell me please that some men can be trusted???

Oh Motheratlarge,

I favour an electric chair myself!

Omega Mum said...

First things first. Why do you have a cattle prod? Are they really that useful in Dulwich for dealing with men with loose morals and, if so, do they come in a Toile de thing print. (So last year, I know....)

dulwichmum said...

Darling Omega Mum,

You are so right, Toile de Jouy is so last year, but it would make a cattle prod easier on the eye! These Dulwich men (sob).

Trixie said...

Dear DM,

Have you ever considered the option that your darling au pair is pretending she is pregnant so she doesnt have to do the ironing?

Or that she actually has swallowed a boiled egg and now has bowel obstruction as she has never eaten so much in her life - greedy ungrateful glutton. I mean...you spend all that money to bring her here (how much does it cost to post something like that? Did you use a jiffy bag?) You try to integrate her into polite society (one can learn so much from serving people at dinner parties). I think you should post her right back, even if you do stick another postage stamp on her!.

She reflects on you and frankly, she isnt keeping up her side of the deal. At least if she is up the duff,she could have snaffled someone more decent than the caretaker of the school or whoever it is. How very disappointing! What has the world come to?

Its for this very reason that I have men on a try before you buy basis....no chance of snotty infants and no recourse to pneumatic distractions

Trixie Jones

dulwichmum said...

Why Ms Trixie Jones! I am fascinated, do tell me more...

debio said...

dear dm, you just can't get the staff these days. How very inconsiderate of her. What to do? You are most welcome to send your ironing this way as I can call on cohorts of helpers....