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Monday, 18 June 2007

Insatiable female

On Sunday morning, I met up with Miss Katie Bancroft, who continues to reside at our old 'bachelor girl' flat in Gainsboro Court SE21. Katie described at length the merits of starflower oil in the alleviation of the symptoms of pre-menstrual tension as we perused the shopping emporia of West Dulwich. The poor woman is apparently a complete martyr to mood swings caused by PMT. I am so pleased for her that she fineally has a diagnosis - she really was a most intemperate house mate!

As we inspected the fashions at The Dulwich Trader, Miss Bancroft became animated with delight. "This full length mirror!" she exclaimed. "It is just the ticket. I have been looking for a mirror just like this for an age."

"Wonderful," I said, "let me call the assistant."

Katie described just how perfect this mirror would be in her flat to the sweet assistant, and enquired; "I am sure it is not for sale - it is obviously a shop owned item - a prop?"

"No," reassured the assistant, "it is for sale."

"Well in that case it is clearly shop soiled in some way - scratched and dusty from being on the shop floor?"

"No," reassured the assistant, "it arrived just last night and was assembled after the shop closed and placed on display for the first time this very morning, it is perfect."

"How could I transport it to my home?" asked Katie, "it is such an awkward shape. It would have to be taken apart. What a shame , I could never transport it in a taxi, it would not fit in the boot."

"Well we can deliver it assembled or in flat pack, we have several in the store room," explained the helpful assistant.

"Do you charge extra for assembly? I am sure the cost is outrageous..." snapped Katie, becoming visibly agitated.

"No it is included in the price as is the cost of delivery," soothed the assistant.

"Well when can you deliver?" enquired a cynical Miss Bancroft, "I am never ever home and you cannot leave it with any of my neighbours - they are all professional people, we are never, ever home."

"Monday to Friday, 8am until 6pm," said the assistant - "there is a charge of £3 for delivery outside these hours."

"Just as I thought," snapped Katie, "impossible to accommodate anyone who is not at home full time - simply dreadful, what is it like around here? Nappy Valley if you ask me," she shrieked as she marched from the shop. "Lets go to Cafe Rouge, I wonder if they sell organic fair trade coffee, I sooo need a soya milk machiato."

"Here we go," I thought to myself, "another fruitless shopping trip, just as well I brought a bottle of Evian to drink in my bag. No doubt there will be no suitable refreshments for sale in the local coffee houses either"...

James always maintained that Miss Bancroft would remain single - he said that she was simply the wrong type of insatiable!


Elsie Button said...

ha ha - i have a friend exactly like this! bloody impossible at times, but loveable all the same.

DJ Kirkby said...

Excellent, I really enjoyed reading this!

mutterings and meanderings said...

You are such a good friend to put up with her!

dulwichmum said...

Dear Lovely Elsie,

I must admit - I have never found Miss Katie Bancroft lovable - I am just terrified of her. She once took my voice off our answerphone because she said I made our house sound "common" and I apologised!

And I am very posh indeed... even posher now - the cheeky minx!

Sweet DJ Kirkby - welcome to Dulwich!

Lovely M&M,

I try to be a chum, I really do...

Drunk Mummy said...

Well, I'm sorry dear Dulwich Mum, but I reckon Katie knows a thing or two about life. These extremely high maintenance women usually marry the sort of well-heeled chap who has never quite got over his first 'stirrings' about Matron at prep school. They get divorced within five years, because they are impossible to live with, but manage to clean out their gullible spouses in the process. Result? they are bankrolled for those years when cosmetic surgery comes under the banner of 'household expenses.' I am starting to think that being reasonable is over-rated!

Motheratlarge said...

I hope to goodness they didn't offer her a Baby Soya Moccacino at Cafe Rouge. She'd be even more convinced munchkins were taking over the world. Well, obviously, they are, but suppose we'd best not rub it in for her, poor girl. Sounds like hard work, DM. Hope you managed a treat of some sort for yourself.

dulwichmum said...

Darling Drunk Mummy,

You know you may be right! She has met some super boys over the years, but there is always something wrong, and she discards them like an old tissue as quick as you like. Sometimes it has been very entertaining to observe.

Super Mother at Large,

Cafe Rouge do not sell "machiato's" - fair trade or not (a Starbucks creation?), so we never got to buy a coffee either. In then end I just wanted to go to Threshers, open a bottle of wine, and site on a park bench drinking it straight from the bottle...

debio said...

PMT and terrorism - much the same thing!

Poor you, I admire your forebearance.

She needs a good shot of something - and I'm not thinking of caffeine....

Clara said...

Good grief - I think Miss Bancroft may need to double her dose of starflower oil. And DM atleast have the good grace to go home before you down the vino - think of the neighbours darling!

Babysteps said...

I like Drunk Mummy's take on things.

Poor Katie. I think she needs a vibrator, not homeopathic remedies.

Clara said...

Babysteps! - you can't say that word. This is Dulwich you know darling.

dulwichmum said...

Oh Debio,

Thank you for your understanding and support. I really find her such hard work!

Super Clara,

I know you are right. I would hate to be responsible for plummeting property prices.

Darling Babysteps! You are back - I was so worried. Please email me your facebook contact?

You know Katie asked me for one of those strangely shaped "back masagers" a few years ago for Christmas - I haven't noticed it lying around her flat of late. Perhaps it is under one of her cats?

Perfect Clara,

Again you are right. Dulwich, the place where women have real jewellery and fake orgasms!

Nunhead Mum of One said...

Did you get your wine in the end darling?

dulwichmum said...

Dear Nunhead Mum of One,


Omega Mum said...

So what's the right sort of insatiable - or shouldn't I need to ask? This was really good. Very funny.