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Sunday, 17 June 2007

A perfect mother...

I really love my colourist Charley. She is a scream – knows the gossip on everyone, and has all of the integrity of a member of the Roman Catholic Clergy – none at all. Yesterday afternoon, I was telling Charley about my neighbours and their good for nothing son Christoph, who has taken a year out following his A levels and done nothing. He hasn't applied for a university place to begin this September - his 'year out' it seems, will evolve into a 'life out.'

“I despair,” I told her, “there is a fine line between indulging the munchkins, and smothering their incentive to achieve in life. I would sooo hate to be too kind!” - I genuinely fear that if the poppets are pushed too hard to achieve at primary and secondary school, they will be burned out and rebel completely by eighteen.

Charley agreed, and extolled the virtues of her 19 year old son, who is currently engaged in an accelerated one year course to become a qualified electrician – “He must get himself a trade,” she asserted, “he needs to make himself a living, otherwise how will he survive in life, how could he hope to provide for a family in the future?” she asked. I agreed whole heartedly with her, I was completely inspired by her motivational, practical style of parenting. “How does she do it?” I thought.

Just then Charley’s young Polish nanny burst through the door of the salon, with her daughter Lexy in tow, wearing head to toe Moschino junior. Lexy jumped about the salon, flitting from client to client, emptying the stylists tip cups into her pockets without sanction. Eventually when she had consumed a Fruit Shoot, a can of Coke and a packet of Jaffa Cakes she vomited down the front of her trendy T shirt.

Charley scooped up the tiny girl, undressed her immediately, tossed the soiled designer clothes IN THE BIN and showered the tot in a basin – she is such a capable mother. In an instant, out from under the expensive buggy, a new baby Armani outfit was produced and Lexy was dressed again and ready to go.

When I compare my darlings' wardrobe, I all but boil wash their new Boden tights and socks each winter prior to allowing the poppets to wear them for the first time. The bobbled, home spun, and vintage – hand me down look is terribly ‘now’ in Dulwich. My three single older sisters have all showered my darlings with Baby Armani, Moschino, Polo, Timberland etc, but I would not dare to allow the munchkins to be seen in such expensive fashions – they scream ‘new money’ and Alderley Edge. They are simply NOCD!

I would rather be pretentiously environmentally friendly old money, than unenvironmentally friendly new money. Wouldn't you?

As a mother (in my eyes) I am never good enough - but then neither is anyone else!

12 comments:

Stay at home dad said...

Very good Dulwuch Mum. You have speared the zeitgeist yet again.

Our local Oxfam is always bursting with eager second-handers, while the Joseph emporium opposite is inhabited only by an eager army of shop assistants...

Drunk Mummy said...

You are on to something here, DM, noticing the similarities between priests and hairdressers. You certainly have to pray to both for salvation.

dulwichmum said...

Dear Stay at Home dad,

You are just the perfect husband - (sob)...

Darling Drunk Mummy,

Don't you find the hairdressers chair just as nerve wracking as confession ever was?

DM

Omega Mum said...

So is boiling Boden tights another manifestation of retro chic or just a statement against globalisation. And what else do you routinely boil in Dulwich? It does sound like a little world of its own......

debio said...

i am pleased to hear that children vomit in Dulwich, and thereabouts.....but they really must be instructed that barphing up over designer kit is so new money too. We really don't want to be churning out lads and ladettes, now do we?

dulwichmum said...

Darling sweet Omega Mum,

You are right, it is probably another manifestation of retro chique! I never thought of it that way. How clever you are.

We routinely boil our husbands black American Express cards if they behave badly...

Dear Debio,

I know you are right, my children never ever vomit. My children are so grateful on the odd occasions that I give them sweets, that there is no way they will give them back, no way at all...

The Good Woman said...

Dear Dulwich Mum

I would greatly appreciate further distinctions between old and new money - just so that I'm informed should I ever run into any money...

Frog in the Field said...

Oh really!
Daddy always used to say talking about money is so vulgar. I prefer to refer to it in terms of school fees, Waitrose receipts and Volvo repair bills.

Nunhead Mum of One said...

I once mistook the charity shop on Lordship Lane for a designer outlet. Clearly only the very best second hand goods in Dulwich!

lady macleod said...

oh darling dulwichmum

you are too too right. I am so very relieved that you are onto the proper toddler fashion rigor lest the little ones be labeled gauche and crippled socially for life! One cannot be too careful with these things.

dulwichmum said...

Dear lovely Good Woman,

Money is simply fab, it just doesn't do for it to look too 'new.' Indeed, for the time being I am content to be spending James' own earnings (new money) until he comes into family (old money) - it all smells the same to me... I scuffed up my Phil and Teds double buggy with a brillo pad to make it look second hand when it was brand new - it is seen as terribly chique to recycle locally.

Darling Frog in the Field, your father was so wise! He sounds like the kind of man who has a Black American Express Card... You don't need cash to spend!

Oh Nunhead Mum of One,

Isn't Dulwich grand!

Perfect sweet Lady McLeod,

I am so glad we understand eachother. You really sound like the perfect lady!

MJ said...

"I would rather be pretentiously environmentally friendly old money, than unenvironmentally friendly new money. Wouldn't you?"

of course!