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Monday, 5 March 2007

Smoking Kills

Tonight I returned from work, to find that we had been unexpectedly graced (for the second time in a fortnight) with a visit by my gauche brother-in-law Henry. His dreadful colourful sports car parked on our drive, I could smell Aqua di Parma aftershave half way down Alleyn Road.

As soon as I opened the front door - I could smell........(shock, horror) CIGARETTE SMOKE!!!! Can you believe it? We have never allowed a single soul to smoke in our home. Everyone knows passive smoking is completely detrimental to the health of children. Max has glue ear and is prone to asthma attacks. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I marched through the house with the determination of the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang , to find my traumatised au pair - Ana, Henry and his new girlfriend 'Helena' - a ballerina, smoking in the conservatory! I was horrified.

There she sat, elegant and sinewy, poised like a lean cat and smoking a long brown cigarette as though she owned my home. I was speechless, consumed with rage.

'This is the hysterical mother?', she asked as she stretched out her long twig like hand to shake mine! How could I speak, confronted by such ignorance? My feet felt as though they had been cemented to the floor.

Max marched into the room with a book about murderous dinosaurs, and plonked himself heavily at Helena's feet. He began to stare, wide eyed and open mouthed with amazement, hyptnotised as he watched every detail, the slow inhalation, exhalation, and movement of her hand pinching the cigarette... Max has never seen anyone smoke before.

'Whatever is the boy staring at?' - snapped Helena.

Before I could think of an appropriate reply, Max volunteered:

'Smoking makes you dead, doesn't it mummy?'

'Yes', I replied, - in a panicky superior tone.

'I have never seen anyone dead before, can I watch Helena while you get deaded?' he asked. (I must admit I almost corrected him: 'While she dies darling').

From the mouths of babes.......... I kid you not. The cigarette was extinguished, and that woman marched out of my home! Hurrah. Little boys, don't you just love them?


Anonymous said...

Oh marvellous. What a fabulous child your son is.
I have a friend who would pay handsomely to have him as star attraction at her smoking cessation/health promotion group! Well actually come to think of it she might not, cos a) SHE is the main attraction not some clever kid and b) it would work and then where would she be job wise??
I detest smoking and can’t wait until the summer when I can once more enter pubs and clubs without having to launder every item of clothing afterwards (shoes, coat, gloves, handbag etc etc), but smoking and its attributes does keep a fair few of us employed...

Anonymous said...

Your hilarious posting today about smoking has confirmed my suspicion that my family/me do not have a single unique experience! It's the same feeling I have when I go into people's houses and discover that they have on their shelves almost precisely the same collection of books that I have on mine. Are we cookie cutter people?? Can any of us be distinguished from another (and will it be worse once we've ALL succumbed to Botox)?

dulwichmum said...

Dear Anonymous,

I am working on the theory that if we laugh at this crazy place we are in, we will not go completely insane! We are none of us alone in our experience, of this I am sure.